Social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is an anxiety disorder in which a person has an excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations.

Hi, my name is Chase Tiffany, and I have social anxiety.

Ever since middle school, I've had a hyperactive mind. Considering 50 different options for my next answer uttered in class. Running simulations of conversations just to make sure that I would have even a small chance of not screwing up. Having a fear of approaching others or a fear of answering so incorrectly that others might "hate me". This was hell for middle school, a time that I think we could all agree was painfully awkward and socially a nightmare. I didn't understand the new social norms that were being constructed around me, and kept getting punished for not understanding these invisible ropes that had been tied all around me. I gained a fear of answering wrong to someone or being seen as embarrassing. Every time I made a simple mistake, it felt like I was swallowing boiling hot water and could feel that burn go all of the way down to my stomach. It was that kind of burn that sits with you, and I could feel it all day long.

When I hit high school, I started to study. Study math, study science, study social actions. I started to understand social interaction better. I found my crowd, and I clung to them harder than anything. I still had that fear though, that burn. Luckily, by the end of high school, I had earned my Ph.D in social interaction. I was the homecoming king. I was president of a few clubs. I had gotten a full ride to a university that I was actually excited to go to. I had found a group of people that I actually enjoyed being around. I seemed to have grown into my skin at least a bit.

Now in college, I've continued that growth of learning new social norms. Maybe it was learning how to adapt to new friend groups, maybe it was figuring out the new social norms of fraternity and sorority life. It is a challenge that I face every now and then to this day. The one consistent in my life, however, has been the persistence of swallowing that boiling water when I make a mistake. I still try to make sure that I don't do things that upset people because I will feel burnt. If I do something embarrassing, it's not just a funny moment for the people observing, it's a nightmare to myself, a burn that will last for a month even.

I've learned to deal with my version of social anxiety pretty well, not all kinds of social anxiety has the same flavor. While it is completely mortifying to call and talk to someone on the phone that I don't know, it's completely impossible for some of my friends who have similar issues. I've figured out my own issues and have found good ways of coping with them, albeit I mess up from time to time. Maybe it's myself saying something that disappoints someone, maybe it's a lack of social understanding on my part, but that burning that I first felt in middle school still does exist.

This is why some small thing that most people might brush off become things that can absolutely ruin my day. I might dwell on what could have been for a week. It just depends. If I ever look as if I'm having the worst day of my life, it might just be due to having to turn one of my friends down on one of their plans.

I know my boiling water swallowing habit won't go away in the near future, but I'm glad I've learned to cope with it for the most part. It'll be interesting to see how I deal with these kinds of issues in the future, but for now, here's what it's like to live second guessing every word you say.