We all stood in the living room of our sorority house on a Saturday morning, dressed in pajamas and laughing excitedly for what was to come. It was Big-Little reveal, and the idea was for all the Littles to come unwrap whoever was wearing the socks matching the ones they were mysteriously gifted earlier, and the girl hiding behind the paper would be her Big. So, as everyone claimed a spot and was getting wrapped up in colorful paper, I stood back and watched, occasionally helping tape and position paper. The time came for the Littles to run downstairs and find their Big, so I went upstairs to my room, sat down, and cried. Again.

It was a hard day, and a hard week, and is still something that stings when I see pictures captioned “I love my little a LOT” and “Big Appreciation Post”. I didn’t get a little my sophomore year, and I had a feeling I never would. Getting a little while in a sorority is like a rite of passage, but like any other institution, there were rules you needed to follow to get one. I didn’t like to talk about it before, but at this point I feel okay admitting that my freshman year grades were bad. Like, really bad. Awful. Super out of character for me, and embarrassing more than anything else. I wasn’t focused and now it comes back to haunt me every chance that it gets. So, I didn’t meet the grade requirement for getting a little, and I was devastated. I had dreamed of getting a little as soon as I joined a sorority and got a big of my own. I saw so many amazing relationships form and wanted that for my little and I more than anything. To really be there for someone and be a wiser, older sister I never got to be to a little sister.

Getting the news that this would not be my reality is still probably the most disappointed I have ever been in myself. I knew it was something I did to myself, and though I fought it, I knew deep down that the opportunity is lost. I dreaded breaking the news to my Big and Grand-Big and being the one to break the chain. Fast forward to junior year, I still cried at Big-Little reveal in the safety of my room, reopening old wounds that took most of the year to heal. Even though I worked my butt off all of sophomore year to raise my GPA and had the opportunity to get a little this year, I knew deep down I wouldn’t be able to be the big that I wanted to be with how busy I am. Freshman year is so much fun, but can bring so many challenges that I wouldn’t have the time to dedicate to a much deserving new member, which crushes my soul just a little bit.

So, living in the sorority without a little? It’s fewer Instagram photos, a lot less fam nights, and one less human diary. It’s a smaller stack, no t-shirts with “Big” printed on it, and a little piece of me that I always feel like I’m missing. However, it also means being the littlest in my fam forever, being a mentor to 38 “littles” instead of just one, and pouring all my Big love on my guy little, Matt, who is amazing in every way and doesn’t mind not having a twin in ADPi.