When it's 5 a.m. and you're wanting to sleep and you can feel your pulse in your head and your face is hot, you get detached from yourself and you'd do anything to get yourself back because you don’t remember how you used to think. You don’t remember not freaking out. It's been so beautiful outside the past three days and all you want to do is live, but it's hard to now when you don’t remember how you used to be.
It feels like you take everything for granted because you're not truly there in the moment. You can still participate easily and be engaged in whatever you're doing, but you don't feel completely there. It's when you feel like you're not doing well enough in anything, but when you succeed you hardly feel proud of yourself. It's being with someone long enough to where they should know by now, and you keep thinking, "Please don't guess and just know about it." It's hoping they never find out because things are kind of OK at the moment. It's your mind screaming don't do it when you start to talk about it out loud to someone, hoping they understand and don't pity you. Nobody wants to feel like they're trying to be a victim.
It's not knowing why you feel this way or how to fix it. You know something is wrong, but you think to yourself, "Maybe I'll grow out of it; I have nothing to be worried about." It's feeling kind of shocked when you become emotionally attached to something because you're so used to being detached from yourself and others. Your thoughts start to manifest into something that is beyond your control. You can't stop yourself from thinking certain things; they're just there and they won't go away.
It's been so long since you've been diagnosed that you don't know if you're worse or better than before. It's the fear of someone reading this thinking, "Wow. She has problems. She's embarrassing herself." Welcome to the inside of my mind; that's what I say to myself, too. It's constant anxiety. It's being scared and not knowing of what, so you brush it off as your anxiety disorder. But you know it has to be something different, this being scared too often. And then you feel numb and get frustrated at why you can't feel anything. A contradiction, right?
It's living with it for so long that you don't remember what a perfectly healthy mind is like, which is something to dream about. It's never explaining it to your loved ones because you don't know how to; is this even a real thing? Or is this just me being paranoid that something could be wrong? Am I too self-aware, or is there something really wrong? This is an example of the unwanted racing thoughts that won't stop.
PTSD, anxiety, and depression are all mental disorders among many others. Living with all three is a challenge. It's the hardest fight having to battle all three at once every day to do what needs to be done in your life. They're your old friends with awful intentions. You grew up together and they know everything about you, but you can't shake them off. They make your life as disorganized as everything you just read.
