Let me take a minute to introduce myself. My name is Courtney, and I am the youngest of three children. Ever since I was a little girl, I was assigned the role of the good kid. It even got to the point that my parents have openly referred to me as "their reward for the other two." This is not something that I realized until it was too late though—I was stuck with being the good one.
New baby, new competition.
I was an unexpected addition to the family. My brother, Andy, was seven and my sister, Erin, was five years old when I was born. I definitely threw off the family dynamic. Now, there was an extra person to compete with for our parent's affections, and I was the clear winner. My grandfather's death a few months before I was born broke everyone's hearts. However, I was able to cheer everyone up, especially my grandmother. I believe that my siblings began to resent me after that because our family always fused over me the most. The attention eventually fizzled out, but to my parents though, I was always the kid that brighten up their day.
Do not get me wrong, I never asked to be the good kid. It is not like I tried to outshine my siblings. That was actually the last thing that I wanted. I wanted to be close with my brother and sister, but at the time, it seemed like they rejected me due to our sibling rivalry. They wanted our parents' approval, but in their eyes, I was the angel that always got it. My siblings were far from perfect. My brother was developing a drug addiction and my sister struggled in school and with making friends. I was that good girl that never experimented with drugs or alcohol, received sufficient grades, and had a good group of friends. My parents do not know this, but part of this reason why I did not try drugs or alcohol is because I did not want to disappoint them. It is a lot of pressure being the favorite.
Being the favorite is perhaps the hardest role.
It was also not easy being the good one. Like my siblings, I made a lot of mistakes and did things that I wish I could take back. I trusted people that ended up betraying me, and I was also very sensitive. Someone could have looked at me the wrong way and I would have thought that he or she hated me. Unlike my siblings though, I was very good at hiding it. I knew what my parents wanted and so I gave it to them, or at least I made it look like I was.
Although it was always unspoken, I felt this enormous pressure to do something good to balance out one of my sibling's misdoings. It broke my heart watching tears fall down my mother's face every time my brother intentionally inflicted pain on her. By this time, his drug addiction had taken over his life. I did not know it back then, but Andy's life was no longer his. He was like a prisoner to his addiction. Due to this misinformation, I took it upon myself to cheer my parents up. I dove deep into my studies at school to please my mom, and took an interest in sports to please my dad. It worked for the most part, but there was always something missing. A sword pierced through my heart every time I realized that I could not give it to them.
Siblings are not always your first friends in life.
Growing up, there also always felt like something was missing from my life. I often saw my cousin's relationship with his siblings and became overcome with jealously. They would take silly pictures together, and stay up until midnight watching movies because they all suffered from insomnia. I wanted that so badly, but never got it. I was convinced that my brother and sister hated me, and to a degree, they did. I seemed to have everything that they wanted. They did not realize though that I did not have the one thing I wanted most: them.
There are actually only a few things that I wanted most in this world as a kid. I wanted a pet dragon, I wanted the power of teleportation, and I wanted a close relationship with my siblings. It is safe to say though that I have only gotten one of those things, but it is the most important of them all. My siblings and I have taken time to grow as people. My brother has been working at the rehab that he got clean at, my sister snagged her dream job as a school photographer, and I have started working toward my career. I have to admit though, life has not turned out quite the way I used to dream it would be, but when does that ever happen? I like to think that our lives, and roles in the family, have shaped us into the people that we were destined to be. I know what you are thinking, what has being the perfect one taught me? Well, a lot.
Is the good one so perfect?
It is a common misconception that the good kid can do no wrong. That is false, I messed up so much growing up. Not because I was not perfect, but because I felt like I had to be. That followed me way into adulthood. I felt this overwhelming need to be this ideal friend to all of the people in my life. Before I got the help that I needed, I was a big people pleaser. I would often sacrifice my own happiness for theirs. That is not healthy. I normally do not like this terminology, but it is okay to be selfish. You can not pour from an empty cup, take care of yourself first. Sure, you may lose some people because of this, but the true friends will always remain by your side.
