Lingering heartbreak. That is all you feel, it is all you know; but it did not start out this way, As they say, you know you have hit a high when you hit a low. Rock bottom, the ultimate low, the place you go when life gets tough.
My high hit me this past January, I met ...We'll call him Josh. Josh was amazing. He made me feel beautiful inside and out. He had a way about him that no matter what it turned everyday into a great one. We became close, very close. How we met was odd he was in fact my professors nephew (Awkward right?) and he worked as a child care counselor at the building where I was a receptionist. He would stay hours after his shift just to talk to me while I was still working. Eventually that escalated, and we hung out in my car parked in front of his house, We would sit in my car almost every night comparing music, and life stories and just getting to know one another. Thet went on for a good two months. Eventually he invited me inside to watch a movie and hangout somewhere that had good heating. We would watch Netflix, play video games, and play card games. Soon it was time for me to meet his friends I met ...We'll call him Brad. Brad seemed to really like us together and I got his approval. Next was ...We'll call him Trevor. Trevor also approved and weird thing, Trevor actually dated my sister and had met me before years prior.
Anyway, fast forward to March and everything is happy dandy and we were considered a "thing. And him, us, we were fantastic. Picture perfect in fact. I stayed at his house every night. And let me tell you sleeping in the same bed as some you love is amazing, to wake up next to them is even better. He did not know at that point in time I loved him, but everyone but him saw it. I loved him with everything I had. I wanted to bed there through the good and bad. I wanted it all.
Then came Florida, I went to Florida to see my ex ...We'll call him Micky. Micky and I had no intentions of getting pack together, I went down to talk to him about somethings you cant say over the phone. Josh hated the idea of me going, I would too if the rolls would have been reversed. Anyway, I ended drinking... a lot. Micky ended up holding my hand in a photo (MIcky knew about Josh) and at dinner Micky took my phone and posted it. Josh saw it and obviously was not happy.
I came home and I apologized time after time, did not help one bit. He had every right to be mad. Eventually he forgave me and things went back to normal. But something was off, something was always off. Little did I know that was our new normal.
Things stay normal for a bit while the months past, April, May, June, July. It is July and I still spend the night at his house, he still holds my hand, and he still kisses me. But there is a new name popping up on his phone... we'll call her Allie. He texts her everyday and they have the red heart on snap chat. He asked her to dinner one Friday and my heart sank. To know he will no longer be mine, to know someone else makes him happy, to know that this might have been for his entertainment, kills me. My heart sinks deeper every time "Allie Bradshaw" (Not her real last name) shows up on his phone. And you want to know the worst part. I do not know if they are even wanting to be a thing. Maybe he wants it and she doesnt, or vise versa. And it KILLS me because nothing has changed except for her. Today alone we went to go see a movie, and now, as I type, I'm on his bed, Watching him fall for someone other than me. Also, Josh if you ever see this. I do love you and I always will.