Ah, the joys of having an unsure personality. The outgoing introvert. The selectively social bookworm sometimes life-of-the-party hot mess. The most complex of all puzzles.

Outgoing introverts have layers of emotions that are difficult for an outsider to peel. We dissolve ourselves to become actors every day and sometimes, it leads to anxiety, stress, exhaustion and even depression. You can never tell whether a social event you take an extroverted introvert is going to be a hit or miss. The vibe the event gives off will determine whether this person will crawl into his or her shell or will lead to this person being the highlight of the evening.

Having an extroverted introverted type of personality is tough to deal with because we love our alone time but wish we could simply find people who are on the same page as us socially. Someone who understands. We cannot completely mesh with extroverts because that’s too much social interaction, but we know we are more outgoing than introverts.

For anyone who tries to comprehend the mind of an extroverted introvert, here’s my attempt to explain:

1. We have a hard time creating a social balance

When we become uncomfortable in social situations, we often bury and repress ourselves so deeply in our everyday masks we loose touch with what makes us, us.

2. Being ourselves doesn’t always cut it, which is why we often choose to be alone

We cannot always remain quiet and in our heads because it isn’t “socially acceptable”. People start asking “What’s wrong?” or “Are you OK? You’re kind of quiet”. Half the time, the answer is yes. We’re just people watching or observing the social interaction going on around us, taking mental notes. The other half of the time, the answer is no, we don’t like the people we are surrounded with and all we want to do is go home, curl up in bed and read.

3. Many times when we show our extroverted side, it’s because we want people to like us

Fitting in is a struggle a lot of people deal with starting at a very young age. For a lot of people, this struggle never ends. This is half the reason we become extroverted introverts. We don’t know how to interact with everyone. We envy those who are extroverts all the time because life would be so much easier if we could just be as outgoing and friendly to everyone we meet. But because we are selectively social, it is hard to reach out to everyone we cross paths with.

The times we are alone in our homes while everyone else has a city of friends to go out with, we sometimes wish we could be more social. So the next time we go out, we try being the life of the party. And it usually takes a lot of effort to be so social with people we really don’t vibe with to begin with. We simply are just trying to fit in and not be labeled as “the quiet one”.

4. We find that people who do have a lot of “friends” don’t have true friendships… so we avoid this altogether

Our tendency to be selectively social usually stems from broken friendships or relationships in the past. We know that when we are vulnerable and let ourselves be friends with everyone, that’s more of a chance to get used, abused and trampled on. We tend to very carefully choose our friends and not let a rocky relationship continue in our lives because we don’t deal well with other people’s bulls**t.

5. Dealing with a lot of people puts a lot of pressure on us

We don’t do well in huge crowds where everyone is talking and mingling with each other. We are almost forced into adopting the role of an extrovert, which makes us uncomfortable, especially when we don’t know anyone. We have crippling insecurities and the social pressure only heightens that for us.

6. We know we have an innate extroverted side of us

It’s not that we enjoy being locked away in our rooms all the time. Most of us wish we had more friends to go out with, but we are also well aware of our limits and the level of social interaction we are able to handle. We just have different degrees of our extroverted character and value the real friendships we have with the one or two close people in our lives rather than trying to be friends with the whole world.

7. At the end of the day, we are exhausted

Being out all day at school or work means hours of social pressure. By the time we are able to come home, we are so tired from putting so much effort into being as social as possible. We need to recharge when we are devoid of social energy. We need to recover, and usually this means being alone.

8. True friends are difficult to come by

We need someone who understands our personality. Someone who isn’t trying to get us to go out all the time and understands that sometimes we just need to be alone. Someone who understands we need to warm up to people first before we can agree to go out with them again. Someone that can have a real conversation.

9. We hate small talk

We are already using a lot of energy to go out and be social; we don’t want to waste our time and energy on meaningless conversations. We like deep conversations where we can expend our energy in a useful and comprehensive way. The more intellectual or controversial our conversations are, the more likely we are to remove our masks. If we enjoy the conversation we are having, it doesn’t feel like forced interaction and we are more comfortable coming out of our shells. Intellect amuses us.

10. Our energy level depends on the environment we are in

We get annoyed easily. We already have a hard time making friends and as mentioned before, we don’t deal with bulls**t. But if we feel a good energy released from the people we interact with, we respond with the same. On the other hand, if we get bad vibes from particular human interactions, we start being introspective. This is when we start to withdraw from all conversations and think about how much we just want to go home. This also ties in with the point made earlier about being selectively social. It’s not that we don’t like people; we just don’t like the barriers created through meaningless conversations or clashing personalities. If we know we are never going to be friends with this person, we don’t want to waste our time and effort trying to strike up and continue an insincere interaction.

11. First dates are the worst

First dates mean small talk. Like I said before, we hate that. We like people who are willing to talk about controversial things on the first date. Something that will show his or her true personality. Anyone can seem nice through small talk. Anyone can say the things they need to say to get you out on a second date. But talking about abortion, immigration, adoption, gender identity, racism, dark stories, etc., can really bring out true colors. Small talk reveals nothing about someone’s true character. But how they respond to emotional topics does.

Also, going to a movie for a first date is something we try to avoid. Sitting in silence for a couple hours tells us nothing about the other person. Take us to a cooking class, a glass blowing class, a fair or festival, a museum, hiking, or anything else that engages interaction with one another. If we agreed to go out on a date with you, we want to talk to you and get to know you. Not stare at you in silence.

12. We pay more attention to detail to determine if we want to respond

Because we are in our heads a lot, we notice things. Research has shown extroverts like immediate gratification in social settings while introverts tend to be overwhelmed by too much stimulation and pay more attention to detail. Someone who falls into the category of being an extroverted introvert pays attention to things you say to determine if you are truthful, sincere, consistent, etc. We don’t want to waste our time on people who lie, ramble, or don’t have anything valuable to say. Paying attention to human interactions and conversations in social settings can help us determine who is worthwhile to engage with and put our energy towards.

Hopefully after reading through that, you have a better understanding of the mental process of an extroverted introvert’s mind. It’s just as complicated and confusing to you as it is to us. So next time you meet someone who is selectively social and refers to him or herself as an extroverted introvert, you can try to determine and show compassion for where his or her mind is at.