Dear Anxiety,

You've become my constant companion, following me down the road of the rest of my life. It all started in high school four years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. Tiny, little me was absolutely petrified. I could feel my heartbeat inside my throat and it was hard to breathe. At first, I hated you, with every little fiber of my being. I thought, "I can't do this. New people? No! Please, don't make me do this. I'll do anything." I'm not a public person; I never have been. Even now I hate public places, crowds and new people. Shortly after that, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Four years later and I'm finally becoming comfortable with it.

Trying to explain what you are to new people is like explaining why the sky is blue...it just is. So many people simply don't understand when I try to explain it and oftentimes they take it as a joke, not realizing how serious of a mental illness you have. People sometimes want to know why I can't just "get over it". I have no control over it. I shouldn't have to apologize but I feel the need to, because of you. I apologize for every little thing. I have an anxiety disorder, and it scares me away. It scares me away from so many things. It's hard to explain and even harder to understand, even for me.

To have anxiety is to constantly worry, afraid what people think, whether it's relevant or not. It's asking someone else to order your food for you, because you're afraid of strangers, no matter how nice they appear to be. Suffering from this mental illness is something that should most definitely be taken seriously. Anxiety attacks are often mistaken for heart attacks (yes, it really does become that bad), and that is exactly what it feels like.

Anxiety, I want to thank you. Yes, I said it. Thank you for the sleepless nights when you kept me awake, telling me over and over that I'm not going to succeed in an interview, a speech, or a presentation. Thank you for motivating me, especially when I thought I could never be good enough; because of you, I challenged myself to prove I AM good enough. You've taught me to love and accept myself, and to spread awareness to those who aren't so educated about you.

You've made me become terrified of almost every little thing that happens in my daily life. Sometimes, I shut the whole world out and stay quiet, because socializing is hard for me. My mind becomes a white blanket and it's all too much. I'll be out with someone and just get really nervous and start tapping my fingers on my leg as if I'm playing piano keys. I squeeze their hand and look down, avoiding those around me. Yes, strangers make me anxious. Directions make me hate you the most. I hate not being able to remember when to turn onto what road, and I hate waiting for people to come out of their house when I pick them up. Even the things I love the most make me feel like my chest is caving in and I can't remember how to breathe, then the attacks begin.

Thank you for pushing me to constantly ask pointless questions about literally everything; because of you I've learned so much more than I would've without you.

As I sought help from those around me, I came to realize I wasn't alone; there were (and will forever be) others who felt the same as I did and who were there to offer love and support.

I've come to realize that you're a blessing in disguise. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have learned to appreciate the little things in life. I have anxiety, but I am not anxiety. That's the difference. I am stronger than you, and because of you teaching me countless things, I've become okay with living with you.

Love,

Me