I’ve come to realize that I don’t have any real physical fears, I’m not afraid of anything that has a shape or takes up space, I’m afraid of the things that come from physical things like people. I am afraid of being used by someone, of being screwed over, of my generosity being taken advantage of. I know, these are all things that can be avoided, I could never trust someone ever again until they completely prove they are worth my trust, I could be less generous, less caring, but what kind of person would that make me? That would make me someone that isn’t me.

When it comes to dating, I am hypervigilant, to the point where I can overthink everything and then convince myself that it doesn’t even matter, it’s never going to even happen, they don’t even really care. I have such a serious fear of my past repeating and being screwed over for the umpteenth time that I refuse to let myself truly think ahead into the future with someone that I am talking to, even if they seem completely genuine. I never know for sure whether someone truly means what they say or they’re just trying to get in my pants, and by the time that I figure out someone is genuine I’ve already pushed them away. I have so little trust in the world with my heart that it’s hard for me to even build a relationship with someone and not have the thought in the back of my head that they’re lying.

I am the type of person who won’t talk to you again after you hurt me but will still come get you in the middle of the night when you don’t know where you are and are scared. It is one of my flaws that I care so deeply and so much even after people hurt me, that is why I fear getting close to people. Once I’ve begun to care about someone, I will always care, no matter the amount of betrayal or hurt they do to me. The only way for me to stop caring completely is if someone attacks my family, not me, but my family.

I fear that people are lying every time they tell me that they care about me, but I think that that is the depression still talking, yet I agree with it. People have showed me that there are plenty of people that will lie to you just to get what they want, multiple people have shown me that multiple times. But although I have this fear I still try to get to know people in hope that they’re like me and won’t lie.

I fear dishonesty, it goes with the rest of my fears, though, doesn’t it? I hate people who lie, as I’ve said multiple times in multiple articles, but never truly addressed it. I fear it most of all because I don’t lie to people, and (stupidly) expect that because of that, they won’t lie to me either. I can handle the truth, no matter how hurtful it is, because to me finding out the truth after thinking a lie was the truth is so much more hurtful than telling a mean truth in the first place. As that one quote goes, “The truth may hurt for a little while, but a lie stays forever,” or something like that, but it’s true. After I find out someone lies to me, I can never really believe a thing they say again based on just their word for it.

I don’t fear death, or being alone, or spiders, or heights, I fear the things inside of people, and I know I’m not the only one with those fears. I don’t fear death because everyone is going to die one day so I try to live my life to the fullest of my capabilities. I don’t fear being alone because you’re never really alone in this world. Everyone has their own fears, and these are simply the worst of mine.