You had to know this was coming. If you wouldn't have treated me like this, we could have avoided this outcome. But for now, this is the only way to get through to you. This is the second time you've done this to me, but you and I both know this time was way worse. Two times in the two years we've known each other. I gave you a second chance after you left me with no explantation last year in October, it's always October. We started dating in October, we broke up in October, and then I figured out what you were doing this October. You made it seem like things were going to be different this time. i was more honest and open like you wanted, but I gave you space and never pressured you to be with me, but you had no problem pressuring me to do things. I knew something wasn't right over the summer, but I went with it because I was happy again. You had to have known what would happen to me when I finally figured everything out. You had been lying to me since May. You never came back to visit me like you had promised in March, and I can't help but think maybe things would have been different if you had. So let me just enlighten you on what I've been going through for the past month.
When I told you that my anxiety has gotten worse since high school, I meant it. It gets to the point where I will literally be in the bathroom getting sick for 20 minutes at a time. And when I went on Instagram that Monday, that's what happened. I had to find out over Instagram, you didn't even tell me to my face. But you knew I figured it out, and so you went and blocked me, again. It's funny how I'm the only ex you've ever had to block on social media. Maybe it's because you don't want to hear what I have to say when you this kind of stuff to me. You know I can't stand being ignored. It literally drives me up a wall and messes with my anxiety, but it's what you do every time you can't face me. You know I need closure. You witnessed what it was like for me to not have closure with the boy before you. You went through that, you saw how hurt I was by that, yet you did something even worse than he did. You knew that I still had feelings for you, I made that very clear. I kept asking if there was someone else in the picture, and you kept saying no. When I confronted you a couple of weeks ago, I honestly don't know how I kept it together. Part of me wanted to slap you, but I was too taken aback by seeing you that I couldn't. I didn't say everything I wanted to say that night and I let you go. But I started crying as soon as I walked away and continued to until I was back in my dorm. For a solid two weeks I got to the point where I would get sick every day before I had to go to class. You knew what everything meant to me, and then I found out you were again spreading lies about me, just like last year You can say that you never said that, but I don't believe you anymore, especially since you admitted to being a compulsive liar. I don't care what you went through after the break up, I don't deserve to be treated like this. Not again. I've been so patient the past year, and understanding. I get that I had my flaws in high school, and I had that whole year to reflect on that, but you and I both know that's not me anymore. I was committed and ready to be better this time around, you could see that. I did whatever you wanted whenever you asked to prove to you I was different. But it turned out you were different to. This isn't you, and you know it, you just refuse to admit it right now. The you that I know never would have hurt me and used me like this. I thought I had you back when we went to the Loop this summer, that was the real you. I don't know what changed after that but I think about that night all the time. I think about how everything used to be. You blamed me for what wrong the first time, and I believed it. I still believe I was in the wrong, but more of me now realizes that you weren't as innocent as you made yourself to be. But this, this is 100% on you. You know how much I struggle with my mental illnesses, but it's like you don't even care. I don't get how someone can act like they care about another person one minute, and then completely pull a 180º and act like that person means nothing to them. You've made me believe that I'm difficult to love. You've made me believe that there's something wrong with me. But I think the worst thing about this is that you know that I don't give up on people, and that I would still forgive you if you asked me to. And I hate that you know that, and I hate that I still can't hate you for doing this. But I'm not done talking about this, I don't think I'll ever be done with you. That's just who I am. No matter what you've done to distort my self view, I still would never give up on you.
