I was 16 when I was diagnosed with anorexia. I thought I had my life under control: I had good grades, I was excelling in music, I had the lead in my school musical and, most of all, I felt like I had complete control over my body. What I didn't realize is that anorexia was controlling me. I had this vision of my perfect life, but in all reality I was miserable, starving and destroying my body. I spent a week in the hospital because anorexia robbed me of my will to live. That was my wake up call. I didn't want to be controlled by anorexia anymore and that is when my recovery started.
I learned that there is so much more to life than having the "perfect body."
There is no such thing as a perfect body. Everybody is beautiful; every body is beautiful. I spent so much time focusing on perfecting my body that I stopped enjoying life. I stopped noticing the beauty in life: the singing birds, a sunny day and the love that surrounded me. I now enjoy the little moments, the big moments and all the moments in between. I am so much richer for it.
I learned to stop focusing on taking fewer calories in and instead started putting more nourishment in.
I stopped obsessing over how many calories I was putting in my body. Instead of trying to put fewer calories in, I started focusing on putting more nourishment in. I found foods that were good for me and helped my body get back to normal. Focusing on the good in what I was consuming instead of the bad helped me to love my body again.
I learned that I would be lost without my friends and family.
Before recovery, I viewed myself as incredibly independent. I didn't need anyone's help; I could handle everything on my own. Recovery helped me remember how important the people who love you are. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for the support of my wonderful friends and family.
I learned that recovery is not linear.
Recovery isn't a straight, easy path. Sometimes you take huge steps back and other times you make giant leaps forward. Sometimes you feel like you're at a standstill. Even when I felt like I wasn't making progress, I kept trying. If I had given up because of the hard days, I wouldn't be here today.
I learned that dessert is a wonderful part of life.
I didn't let myself eat dessert for far too long. I forgot how wonderful chocolate cake was and how nice it was to eat a giant sundae. I let myself enjoy dessert now. Everyone should.
I learned that life is a gift.
I almost threw my life away. I didn't care about myself anymore. A lot of people think anorexia is a self-centered illness, but it's not. It makes you have no regard for yourself or your life! Life is a beautiful gift, and I am grateful to be alive every single day.
I learned that I matter.
I didn't think that I mattered anymore. I thought I was worthless and that nobody cared about me. My existence, I felt, was just an inconvenience to everyone else. I was never more wrong. I am not worthless and I have so many people who love me.
I learned that I am beautiful.
I stopped focusing on my flaws and started focusing on my assets. I am kind, intelligent and stronger than I ever thought was possible. I may not be a size zero anymore, but I love the curves I now have. I have so much to offer the world and the only way I can do that is by loving myself.
I learned that, in time, everything gets better.
I began my recovery three years ago. In these three years, I have learned so much about life, my loved ones and myself. I will never go back to where I was; I love myself far too much to let myself do that.
If you or someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, please visit the National Eating Disorder Association website or call 1-800-931-2237.
