Eating disorders are not pretty and picture perfect the way we see them on television. They are painful, devastating, life threatening illnesses that slowly pull you away from reality and into a fantasy land where all you can think of is numbers and being thin.
For months I convinced myself that being thin and losing weight would lead me to true happiness. It was engrained into my brain that I would have more friends, boys would like me, I would like myself more, and I would be a better person.
The illness developed quickly and soon I was devoted to doing whatever it took to make myself become my individual idea of beautiful. I began reducing how much I ate, which progressed to hiding food, which eventually led to not eating at all.
Meals at the dinner table weren’t the same, I was constantly yelling or staring off silently completely out of touch with reality. My family would try to distract me, get me to think about anything besides the food in front of me and the numbers floating around inside my head but nothing ever worked. I yelled until everyone became so overwhelmed they had to leave the room. I tore apart my family for months, our house was no longer full of life and company, it was constantly cold and tense.
I refused to speak about my illness for the longest time. I had began treatment and was unable to hang out with friends on most nights except for Saturdays which at that point I was so mentally and physically drained I did not even think about hanging out with anyone. I kept my struggle a secret and as I began to miss school, skip lunch to eat in the nurses office, and miss social gatherings, the truth came out and most of my friends faded away. They cared about football games and being popular more than helping out a close friend who was sick.
My grades dropped drastically. I was always an A student but with my mental abilities slowly fading away and school became a chore. I would spend my days in school and my afternoons and nights in treatment with no time to complete my homework, so as the days continued my grades slowly lowered from A’s to D’s.
My body began to shut down. I was denying myself of proper nutrients and because of that I was constantly shivering regardless of how hot it was in my house or how many blankets I wrapped myself up in. My legs would shake when I walked because my muscle was deteriorating. My body began to feed on my muscle tissue because I was not providing it with the fats and nutrients necessary to survive.
Eating disorders take over your life. They drain you mentally and physically and if untreated or unrecognized they can kill you. Reality is, they aren’t just skipping a meal or going on a diet like they show on television, they are much more complex and life threatening and can lead to permanent damage.
If you or someone you know is struggling please visit this website to get help and learn more about eating disorders.
