The Bible.

The only thing you thing you should take with a grain of salt aside from gas station flowers as a last minute gift.

The Holy Bible is believed to be the greatest story ever told. Consider it to be akin to single ladies in their 40’s with regards to Fifty Shades of Grey. It is perceived to be the manual to how we live our lives. There are five books in The Old Testament:

- The first book is called Genesis, the book of which God creates man, woman, and the world. He appoints Man as a regent, but soon disobeys, and destroys the world through the Great Flood. The roles should have been reversed. (#GoddessesDoExist #Feminism)

- Exodus: This is when the Israelites escape through to “The Promised Land” by the prophet Moses, the Uber driver of his day. But, to do this, he makes the enslaved Israelites obey a thing called The Ten Commandments, not to be confused with a popular movie for frustrated parents on Easter Sunday. Basically, these commandments can be summed up into ground rules every freshman roommate has with each other on the opening day of dorm move in: Don’t kill me, or take my shit.

- Leviticus: The book where the plot thickens. Chapters 17-26 can be read the same way the chapters of the US Code can be read. In modern times, it is interpreted as the avoidance of cheating and STD’s, and incidentally, never said that altar boys should be abstinent. Attention to detail, Hebrews. That should have been established LONG ago.

- The Book of Numbers: This is where the Israelites should begin to take over. But, they don’t, due to hardships and the authoritarian rule of Moses and Aaron. You’d think the Israelites would have had the sense to form a Union, called the Union of Israelites Local 316. Management (God, Moses, and Aaron) would have had major grievance calls to undertake. God, however, condemns them to death upon hearing horrible conditions in Canaan from their spies. It’s like God is playing Chris Hansen and the Cops on To Catch a Predator, you know, except we don’t have to hear Job’s excuse for why he brought the wine to meet Junior.

Let’s just pick out a few verses from Deuteronomy:

"First-born male livestock must be sacrificed." (15:19-23)

Welp, no tester kids.

"The consumption of animals…is prohibited." (14:21)

Hunting enthusiasts be damned.

"Judges are to be impartial and bribery is forbidden." (16:19-20)

Ruth Bader Ginsburg, anybody?

"Hired workers are to be paid fairly." (24:14-15)

Apparently, the Bible was inspired by Bernie Sanders.

However, this book is not without controversy; Deuteronomy 20:16-18 says for the Israelites to destroy anything that breathes. It’s insane. Why not sue the writers of Deuteronomy the same way you go after Rockstar Gaming company?

And, who knew there are conspiracies in the Bible? Jesus had a wife and children. This also implies that Jesus is a guy. Or not? (#Fesus #Feminism) Let’s hear Alex Jones’s take on the relationship between Mary Magdalene and Jesus, best-kept secret of the Christianity besides the myth about what is presented to us at church. Come to think of it, this is no different from Fifty Shades Of Grey. You read it and feel deep shame when it’s over.

Moving on…

More Stupid Bullshit: by Pat Robertson.