Recently, I have taken up zodiac-ology. Every night, since last night, without fail, I go outside and read the stars, attempting to put together the signs from the universe. What I have compiled below are a few signals I have picked up and believe to be true. Please, take a look…what your week may have in store may surprise you.

Aries:

OK, so you guys really have a lot happening this week. First and foremost, Jupiter is in the 18^th rotation of its 92 cycles. Simply put: Whatever you thought you knew about fashion…forget it. Here is a list of fashion items that are OUT: Hats (baseball hats, caps, and sunhats) and chopsticks as hairpins. Here is a list of things that are IN: A large somewhat-wilted leaf of cabbage (takes the place of a hat), necklaces made of a mix of human and horsehair, and the quintessential clog.

Taurus:

Don’t even get me started with Taurus’s. Ever since Saturn returned to Mercury, you guys have been full of BULL*!$&! You don’t deserve a horoscope until you clean up your attitudes…and rooms…and do your laundry.

Gemini:

Naturally and scientifically, as a Gemini, you are required to have a twin (normally identical, but there are cases of fraternal). This week, I recommend you and your twin take some time to explore the inner workings of the stock market. The stars have spoken and true love will be finding you this week, so on the first date with your true love, impress them with your vast knowledge of stock trading, or the New York Subway system…whatever floats your boat.

Cancer:

Have you guys been feeling crabby lately? Well, that makes sense, because you’re all a bunch of crabs. Nonetheless, crabs are people too and deserve a horoscope. Venus is finally ¾ full, and I think you guys know what that means…TIME TO SEE "MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING 2." Clearly, that’s the only logical answer to all of your problems. Plus, I heard it got rave reviews.

Leo:

My little lions, this is the week you been waiting for! Pluto recommends playing the board game Operation…except on you! Try to pull out all your organs and replace them before you die, it’s going to be a blast and I’m so excited for you all to try! Also, your chakras are very open this week so try something new (for example, new religion, new food, new hairstyle, etc.).

Virgo:

Big news, Virgo is ascending in 25 minutes! IE: You have 25 minutes to find the pot of gold. So get searching.

Libra:

Libras, for this week and this week only your symbol as the scales of justice is SWITCHED to scales of fish! This is amazing news, it means that you can now smell underwater…go test it out! Also, this week, I recommend trying a new exercise class, because it can’t hurt. Or, if you don’t exercise, I recommend staying home and investing in a new pair of slacks.

Scorpio:

My darling Scorpios, have you been eyeing that nice pair of slacks at your local boutique? Well, this is not the week to purchase them, and Libras have full reign over all slacks. So, from Mars twirling left, I recommend you save your money via pink piggy bank (buy the piggy bank, save from there on out), and let the money come to you. Also, start stealing things. Or don’t. Entirely up to you.

Sagittarius:

After Earth eclipsed Uranus, which only means one thing for Sagittarius’s: Keep kosher. This week is Passover, so stick to all Jewish tradition (abandon your current religion) and DO NOT eat leavened bread…or become gluten-free. I recommend either or. If your heart still chooses, you are totally welcome to eat wheat.

Capricorn:

The scent for Capricorns this week is moth balls. I recommend going into your grandmother’s closet, grabbing as many mothballs as your little hands can hold, putting them into a bathtub or large kitchen sink, adding hot water, and bathing in them for five to hours. It’s the only logical thing to do.

Aquarius:

The retrograded Venus dictates that all Aquarius’s should grow gills and live in the water forever. Not just this week.

Pisces:

Pisces…this week I recommend only eating Reese’s Pieces (ha ha) and meat with spices. Carry on.

I hope this has been informative as to what to do with your weeks, my devoted followers. Do NOT forget these valuable lessons as you move along in your daily life.