We’ve all been there. You’re sitting in a folding chair, or perhaps a pew, watching two people swear their eternal love for each other, and you can’t help but shed a tear as you think: Wow, this is stupid, bride is stupid, the groom is stupid, the pastor is stupid, and this whole wedding is stupid because I don’t personally approve of it. I feel ya. In most cases, one of the things making you think that is the “original” theme of the wedding itself, which has been done time and time again. These are the wedding themes everyone is tired of seeing.
Obscure Non-Carbonated Beverages
Ugh, we get it. You really like Johnny Groobler’s Energizing Black Tea. We’re over it. Folks, how many times have you been in this situation? You’re dressed nice, you’re ready to watch your cousin marry your other cousin because your family has a deeply disturbing incest problem, and BAM! The bride is wearing a dress with the Portland Farms Strawberry Milk logo on it. It’s old and it needs to die.
New York City Sewers
Honestly, I’m all for the alternative and new. But sometimes, too many people get into it and it just becomes way too much. I am so tired of alligator skin tuxedos, and don’t even get me started on the cake. How many times can I possibly see a cake designed to look like human waste with a piece of Brooklyn style pizza on top before I lose my shit?
Post-War Slavic Life
This one is just in poor taste. You all know what weddings I’m talking about. The door of the chapel has a communist revolution fist sign over it, the groomsmen all wear tracksuits, and the only table decorations are broken liquor bottles with a little bit of cigarette ash on them. We’re all tired of it, and you should be too.
Bees?
Ah, I can hear the bells now, as well as the buzz of what may or may not be everyone’s favorite stinging insect, the bee. Honestly, can you be cliche enough? How many ring bearers have you seen deliver a box that has that slight, suspicious humming inside of it? How many times have you seen a guest slap at something on their neck and cry out in pain only to have other guests reassure them that it was just a cramp? Honestly, just bees is fine, but once you add that question mark and the air of mystery about the supposed presence of said bees, it’s just overplayed and I’m honestly done with it.
Back Alley Mob Shakedowns
Oh my God, can you just try to think for yourself for once? We’ve all seen this wedding. A beautiful couple, the woman looking a little concerned for her life, the man having a smug grin and wearing a gold chain. The dark alley setting. The cheesy music you would only hear just outside of a pizza parlor. I cannot tell you enough how often I hear the pastor say, “It sure would be a shame if the groom were to kiss the bride.” Look, weddings are only special if they’re original, and this idea has been done far too many times.
The General Concept of Throwing Things
You know, I used to enjoy walking into a wedding and immediately getting smacked in the face with a flying candlestick, but not since the cool kids got ahold of it. It really is such a disgrace to the artistic value of weddings. I mean really, how many brides can we see chuck a table across the room before we finally ask ourselves, “Isn’t it better to stand out?”
Autumn Colors
