Recently, my sister and I have begun watching "Gilmore Girls." We’re about 16 years behind, but better late than never, right? Like most people who read books or watch movies and TV shows, I’ve begun to relate to the characters in the show, noting the differences and similarities between them and myself. I enjoy seeing if I’ve read the books that Rory reads or imagining what I would act like if I drank as much coffee as they do.
Recently, however, I’ve begun to notice the mother-daughter relationships in the series, both the one between Lorelai and Rory and the one between Emily and Lorelai. As a girl with a mother and 16-year-old sister, mother-daughter disagreements are not uncommon in my house. My last two years of high school involved a fair amount of tears, disagreements and long conversations between my mom and me, and while our relationship has been strengthened quite a bit since, opinions and wills still clash once in a while. Watching the seemingly irreparable rift between Lorelai and her mom has made me both convicted of my own stubbornness and selfishness and made me thankful for the relationship I do have with my mom.
I'm still hoping that Emily and Lorelai will reconcile and learn to respect and love each other as "Gilmore Girls" continues. (I'm only on the second season of the show.) But so far, the show has caused me to reexamine the way I interact and show love to my mother. I don’t pretend to have any special understanding of what makes mother-daughter relationships so complicated or how to fix such problems, but here are some tips that I am trying to work on that I think apply to both mothers and daughters.
1. Lose your opinion.
I come from a family of very opinionated individuals, and the women in my family are perhaps even more verbal about what they think than the boys. The problem is, however, when two opinionated people have to be in a relationship with each other.
As seen in the polar opposite opinions of Emily and Lorelai, relationships don’t really work unless at least one person (and preferably both people) is willing to give up her preferences and sense of self-righteousness. Emily and Lorelai have completely different philosophies about life, and since each values her own beliefs more than the other person, their relationship remains as painful and tension-filled as ever.
James 3:17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.
2. Stubbornness is not a virtue.
This one is really hard for me. I’ve been called strong-willed, tenacious, persevering and even the old maxim “stubborn as a mule.” Digging your heels in the ground is often a useful trait for enduring trials or working hard in difficult situations. But in relationships, stubbornness is often a major pitfall. Similar to the dangers with being opinionated, being stubborn means that you value your position more than your relationship with the other person. Is being right or sticking to what you want really more important? Give a little, get off your high horse and be flexible.
3. Listen.
Don’t just hear what you want to, and don’t jump to conclusions. Years of rubbing each other the wrong way and hurting each other create scars, ruts that we fall into time and time again. Don’t assume that your mother or daughter is merely repeating the same cycle that has hurt you before. Give grace for people to change, and try to look for the good in their words and actions instead of being quick to point out faults.
Even though we would never admit it out loud, a mother’s trust and approval mean more to a daughter than nearly anyone else’s. Mothers have taught us our entire lives who we should be and what it means to be a woman worthy of respect and praise. As we grow up, fail, get up, and fail again, we need our mothers to stop carrying red pencils as if our lives were tests that constantly need correcting. And like Lorelai, daughters need to stop pushing our mothers away, actually give them a chance for friendship and appreciate everything they have done for us over the years. Mothers need our respect even as we desire theirs. Shouldn’t relationships seek to encourage and uplift instead of tear down?
One of the reasons Rory and Lorelai share such a tight bond between them is because of the trust and respect each gives to the other. While special circumstances have made the Gilmore girls so close and most mother-daughter relationships will carry more of a hierarchy than the easy friendship between the two, perhaps both mothers and daughters should learn a lesson from the Gilmores. No one should be so perfect that she can’t take advice, even from a child, and no daughter should be so unforgiving as to make past grievances an impassable chasm between her and her mother. Humility, laughter and an open-mind enable anyone in any relationship to grow and flourish rather than wither up into an unbending, brittle shell.
