For a year of my life, I had found myself fighting to defend the man I thought loved me. I told people that he was good, that he only cared about what was best for me. I had a lot of people convinced this was true and that I knew what I was doing with him.
I didn’t though. I had been simply too optimistic. I kept facing his flaws because I thought I could see some silver lining within his lies and sins.
I kept facing the pain until the day he physically abused me.
The emotional abuse had been present long before, but I had convinced myself I was playing the wrong cards, not him. I had convinced myself that I was the problem until I found his hands around my neck until I found myself begging for air.
The scene continues to play out in my head on repeat, hauntingly similar to what our favorite songs used to do. I remember the tears. I remember the fear that swallowed me.
I remember everything.
It’s odd feeling this pain and experiencing these memories because they are also interlaced with all the beautiful seconds that I realize were created by lies. I replay the first and last kisses, just as much as I re-experience the darkness, betrayal, and abuse. Maybe this continuous recollection of both positive and negative adds to the suffering that I continue to experience.
Everything changed when I met him, and I know it can’t change back no matter how many times I cry or beg for mercy from what seems like a nightmare. He shattered the world I was so fond of, and I can’t simply build it up again with hope.
I’ve learned a few things from the pain.
It’s important not to lay down all of your cards at once because not everyone deserves them.
Second chances should not be handed out on a whim—sometimes goodbyes should be the first option on the list.
Not all human beings have a light in them within the darkness. Sometimes you can push for months on end through the horrors that hold their hearts, and you will never find anything worth staying for. Optimism isn’t always the best option.
I will be stronger than I ever was, even if that means shutting down for a while to fix the damaged walls. He will not win. His wrath, his sins, his hands will one day release from me because I am better than he ever will be.
His darkness will not live within me forever.
I can’t give a date or time when I will touch freedom again, but I know freedom and I will meet again someday. I will be my own savior because I am stronger than he was ever able to recognize. My power to push on is stronger than any hand or word he ever hurt me with.
I will fight the demons he caused. I have stamina.
I have power.
I have the light that I had been searching for too long within others. Little did I know, it had been inside all along.
