This is my experience. Not all experiences surrounding the topic of this article are the same!
Suicide is a hard topic to talk about. Many people have their own opinions on the matter. Heck, even my Church has an opinion on the matter. But, suicide is a topic that hits home. It hits home because I it's something that I went through and now something that I'm ready to talk about.
The dark is a horrible place to be in. I thought that no one in the world cared about me. My home life was sucking. My friendships were lacking. I felt like I didn't have a community to call my own. It was during this time that I began to question my own existence.
My decision to be done with life wasn't a decision that I made lightly. I thought about all the people that would be affected by my decision. The list was long. Ultimately, I came to terms with the fact that I didn't want to be in a place where I thought I wasn't appreciated by anyone. That day, I remember crying to the point that I had now tears left.
I made the decision that I was done. Nothing and no one could stop me. I was all in.
Sufficient to say, my attempt wasn't successful and I'm so thankful every single day. I have had so many great experiences in my life since and I have learned some very important lessons. I've built relationships with some really great people who continue to shape and ground me everyday.
What did I learn?
1.) There are qualities about me that are unique to myself and without those qualities I wouldn't be myself. It's important to find people in your life that care about you for who you are. For so much time, I was obsessed with having the widest friend group. There were so many times when my heart was hurt because I would want to tell everyone about something exciting that I was working on and no one cared. Now, there are three people in my life who I am completely vulnerable with. Those three people mean the world to me and I know that I hold a special place in their lives as well.
2.) Sometimes people you are told will be your "life long friends" actually won't. These "life long friends" are the same people that can belittle you and make fun of you. It's totally okay to not want to be surrounded in that environment. I'm now growing more comfortable with the fact that there was a period in my life where I "missed out". I put missed out in quotations marks because I didn't miss out on anything that mattered. Yes, during this time many friendships were made, but unless someone truly takes the time to get to know you, don't feel like you have to be friends with them.
Yes, there are still times when I have bad days. There are times where I wonder. However, there are reasons for me never to attempt suicide again. Every day is a journey, but now with the right people in my life that journey is a little easier.
There's a quote that sums up what I think everyone has to hear in their life and it's from the movie The Help. "You is smart. You is kind. You is important." (Forgive the grammar errors)
I walked out of the dark and I say THANK YOU to the people that are helping me stay out of that darkness. I say helping because self-acceptance isn't easy but when you have people willing to put in the time to help, the process can get a little easier.
