Hello, and welcome to the internet, [presumably young] writers and other fellow creative individuals! I'm here to get your voice heard for whatever personal reason your egomaniacal heart can muster. It can be a bit intimidating at first, of course, granted that the internet can be a very frightening place (if you're an 80-year-old hermit or you're easily triggered by melting ice cream cones), but I assure you that by the time you finish reading these step-by-step instructions, and with a little bit of effort, you'll be so popular that you'll be entertaining the masses like your name was Jim Jones!

Step 1: Find Your Media Platform

For the first step to your quest for online virality, you must first select your patient zero! This decision is so important for getting your voice heard because this will ultimately become your home base for all of your ideas and such.

Do you enjoy yelling in front of a camera or cashing in on the schadenfreude of unfortunate individuals you don't even know? Start a YouTube channel! Are you a budding wordsmith who just so happens to be: a) sexually frustrated, b) in middle school or c) a sexually frustrated middle school student? Perhaps FanFiction ought to be up your alley! Or maybe you're just a generally angry person. Don't worry, Tumblr has always got room for people just like that!

Just remember: there's a website for almost any form of media! So, pick wisely!

Step 2: Produce Content

Time to establish your voice! You want to make sure that a queue of ideas is always moving down the line [in your head] whether it be writings, videos, vines (whatever that is,) art, etc. Make sure that your ideas are original and if they aren't then you ought to be burned at the stake! (For those planning to be YouTubers, the comment section mob is stirring as we speak.) Also, if you want to add extra oomph to your content, remember to swear like a fucking sailor so it looks like you sound "edgy" and "real" like Eminem or Lenny Bruce!

Step 3: Find Your Audience

Now that you've got the ball rolling and started producing content, it's time to find out who's watching you!

You want to make sure that you're aware of your strongest demographics and that you hold on to them for dear life! As for the smaller demographics observing your content, don't mind them (kinda like what Mitt Romney did back in 2012!)

Step 4: Ignore the Haters

This step is pretty self-explanatory.

For those who may be wondering why this step is so crucial, it is because of this one simple reason:

Step 5: Pander To Your Audience

Now you've got your audience clamoring for your content, and maybe they're throwing money at your feet! Well, it's time to work the pole and please them all!

Pandering to your audience is imperative to your existence as a resident netizen as it will ensure that your legacy lasts in the long run. It's works like a 401K plan except I know that this plan's going to work for sure!

After making your voice heard and reaching your online peak, you should pull a Jay-Z and retire while you're on top.

But not really because you're pulling a Jay-Z, so you'll be back after a good few years of "retirement," away from the public eye.

Step 7: Accommodate Newcomers

Ever since you've been away from your laptop, many a newbie has tried to approach you in one way or another. This is perfectly fine; it's actually all part of the plan. Feel free to lend a tip or two if you so please. So, be very welcoming to your newer, younger online neighbors...

Step 8: Destroy Competition

...Before decimating all of their cyber hopes and dreams like this cake in order to further your supremacy in the virtual world:

And there you have it! With just eight simple steps, you'll be on your way to making your name known and your voice audible through the more scummier parts of the web!