Pop quiz: what is virginity? Now find a friend and give them the same pop quiz. Compare answers. Are they the same? Chances are, they're not, and if they are, then you guys must be very close friends and can read each other's minds. I'll let you in on a little secret about virginity -- it's not real. I'm serious! There is no medical or biological definition of virginity. The closest thing we can come up with is a dictionary definition that says "the state of never having had sexual intercourse." Okay, cool. But what does that even mean? Again, it depends on varying definitions, only this time we're comparing definitions of the word sex. Noticing a trend? Lots of people have noticed, and different groups are reacting in different ways.
The two main schools of thought are: "virginity doesn't matter because it's not real," and "virginity matters a lot and it needs a better definition." Now, the majority of the supporters of the second school of thought come from religious groups, and that's fine. I have no qualms over someone choosing to refrain from sex because that's what they believe. What I have issues with are the lengths to which organizations are going to tell young women that their virginity is the most valuable asset they have, primarily through a growing phenomenon of purity retreats/dances/pledges.
For a more in-depth look at this topic, I highly recommend watching the documentary or reading the book "The Purity Myth." I won't be able to cover all the elements in this article that the documentary and book do, but what I will be able to cover is my own experience at a purity retreat.
At the age of 12, a flier went out across the junior high portion of my Lutheran school that advertised the Pure Freedom Retreat in which young women aged 12 to 18 would gather for a three-day weekend to reaffirm why our virginity was so important. I was registered for the short camp, and spent the weekend sleeping on the floor of a church with approximately 100 other girls. The weekend was full of bible studies in which verses were extrapolated on and examined, thus proving that virginity was the best gift we could ever give our husbands. Knowing that moving into high school would eventually provide temptation, we were given tools in which to tell boys we were not interested in sex (funny enough, a simple "no" wasn't on this list). Among responses they recommended were:
"My dad won't mind going back to jail."
"I haven't had a[n STD] flair-up in a while, so we should be okay."
I have a couple of things to say about these lines. First, for a camp that was centered around being proud to be a virgin until marriage, there was a suspicious lack of "no thanks, I'm saving myself for marriage" in our arsenal of retorts. Second, these lines weren't so much about saying no as they were about scaring young men away. Lastly, how messed up is it that a camp for junior high girls devoted to chastity told us that "my STD isn't bothering me today, so we can have sex" was an acceptable response?! Does anyone else recognize how contradictory it was for them to tell us that we are pure and holy, but telling boys you have a sexually transmitted disease is a sure-fire way to get them to leave you alone? Even at the age of 12 I knew that was shady. Anyway.
The rest of the camp consisted of the counselors, who were all in their late teens through late 20s, telling us about how they waited until marriage to have sex and it was the most magical decision they ever made. One woman told us that she was no longer actively looking for men to date because when God was ready for her to get married, he would give her the perfect man. Our family members had written us letters letting us know how proud they were that we were taking charge of our virginity at 12 years old. The end of the retreat was marked by a candlelit tea party where we all recited a purity pledge and were given porcelain tea cups as a symbol of our fragile and precious virginity.
My experience at a virginity retreat was one that I will not likely forget. While I subscribed to many of the ideals of this camp when I was younger, I still picked up on some trends that were inherently patriarchal and contradictory to what the message of this program was supposed to be. Women are worth so much more than their virginity, which as we discussed earlier, doesn't even exist. A woman is not less worthy of time, attention or love based on whether or not she's a virgin by your definition of virginity.
