If asked about having an enemy or someone we particularly dislike, many of us would be able to list off at least one name, although probably more. It seems the older we get, the more enemies we accumulate. This makes sense, obviously, because as you grow older you meet more people whose values and beliefs and actions differ remarkably from your own. There is nothing wrong with this. We live in a world where very different people can coexist with one another if they want to. The problem that we run into occurs when we acquire an enemy because some individual wrongs us in some way, and we are left hurting and possibly angry. In this sense, an enemy is someone who threatens a certain moral belief that you hold.

When we feel as though we have been wronged, a wave of hurt, indignation, anger, repulsion, and/or betrayal can swoop down and overtake us with its waters. From these emotions we are made blind, initially, to analyzing the situation in which we have experienced wrongdoing, and, because of that, many of us choose to coast on this wave and let it build until it becomes an unstoppable vehicle for extreme dislike or hatred.

Instead we need to recognize four truths: 1) Not everyone possesses the same moral beliefs as we do; 2) It is difficult for everyone, including ourselves, to follow moral values whether they are the same or not; 3) It is not right to feel anger towards a whole person or harbor a grudge against them for one of their actions; 4) We should recognize that it is our own fault for allowing someone to make us feel so hurt. In recognizing these truths, we can begin to understand our enemy, or at least their actions.

I would like to break down and expand on each of these four truths now, beginning with the first and easiest one to recognize: Not everyone holds the same values. While I will not deny that most of mankind does have a universal code of conduct that most everyone believes should be followed, there are deviations to this code-- rearrangements, prioritized listings and different interpretations of this moral rule book. For now, I am going to keep up with this vague image of a universal code of conduct because that is not quite the topic at hand and requires a completely separate article to do it justice. But I digress.

So, it is correct to say that not everybody has the same exact morals as each other. This results from different upbringings, religions, cultures, psychological wiring and conscious choice, among many other factors. With this in mind, we must consider that it may not be fair to become angry with an individual who has crossed a certain invisible and sacred line in our eyes, because it may not seem so sacred to them. In fact, the certain rule or moral that they have threatened may be at the bottom of their priority list or not there entirely. Does this make the said individual a bad person? Maybe in the victim's eyes it does, but I do not believe it is fair for any man to decide. Who are any of us to judge, after all? Therefore, we need to take a step back and realize that while this person may have hurt us, they do not see their actions as wrong. As a result, we have no reason to be upset with the person, because he was not intentionally doing harm.

Say, though, that you knew you shared the same moral code as someone. You both had the same priority list and almost everything checks out equal. Then this person does some sort of evil and as a result you experience hurt. This means that the individual not only knew that what he was doing was wrong, but he also knew that you would be hurt because you both carry the same ideals. Now, you think, now you have the right to be angry. Now you have the right to seek justice and demand an apology. Well, not quite. Unless you knew yourself to be perfect, which is not a characteristic of a single human being on this earth, then you have no right to become angry with someone for breaking his moral code or yours. When you experience anger from this you must realize that you are being hypocritical.

Also, if this person has a moral code, is it not safe to assert that upon breaking it he experiences guilt in some way? Is it ridiculous to say that maybe this person has a certain accountability and responsibility about himself if he has a code? Therefore, he is punishing himself enough with his guilt and knowledge of his wrongdoing without your added hatred. And if he does not feel the consequences immediately or the next day or week or year, he will know them in the next life. It is not our job or right to seek apologies, punishment or guilt from someone. In recognizing our own inability to be perfect and our ability to do wrong, we must see that everyone around us is this way too. It is hard to follow a moral code perfectly all the time. We must realize this, and we must not be angry with others who experience the same challenge.

To add up these two claims, if you cannot be angry with someone who does not have the same morals, and you also cannot be angry with someone who has the same morals, then can you ever truly be angry with anybody? No. Not with a person. You can however, dislike and be angry at their actions. There is a difference here, it demands attention. While a person is defined by his actions, a person is also separate from them because when he makes mistakes, they are not accurately representing his true beliefs or what he wants to be. As long as these mistakes are not made over and over and over again, they are false reflections of his being. When these mistakes become ingrained in his everyday life so that he is hurting the ones around him consistently, then his being can be disliked because it shows complacency in his evil nature, it shows he does not truly wish to be a good person, it shows his apathy towards others.

But there are not many people like this whom you will spend a large amount of time with, because you will find it is simply not worth being in their presence. Surround yourself with those who wish to be good, who actively strive to be better people, who are capable of reflecting on their day-to-day lives and actions, and you will find that these are the people who, while they do make mistakes, are consciously trying to correct them. And for that you simply cannot hate or harbor a grudge against them when they wrong you.

The final assertion may be the hardest to accept or even consider. In addition to all that was previously stated, you must not feel negatively towards an individual because it is not truly the individual or even necessarily their actions that make you feel hurt, indignant, infuriated, sad. You must not because only you can control how you feel. When you are feeling all of these things, they are actually felt towards yourself. When you are wronged you feel pain because you allowed yourself to let the other individual control your feelings. You may feel shame because you let someone wreck your happiness by relying on them for it instead of yourself. You allow individuals to detract from your content state of being by trying to feed off of their actions for happiness. Then when their actions are tainted with evil, like a sickness, you fall victim to it. It is no wonder then that the individuals who make us most happy also are capable of making us most sad.

Now, I have explained essentially why we should not ever have any enemies save those few human beings who are so marred by evil they are content to stay that way. How does this help you? Where is the value in that? Well, hopefully it will help in that now you understand who or what the real enemy is; it is not the person who has done you wrong. No, it is you for blaming the other person and finding excuses to dislike them. You are the enemy if they are the enemy. You are to be disliked just as equally if they are to be disliked. Do not hate the person, hate their actions. Find wrong in their actions, but do not punish them with your hatred. If you can do this, if you can understand your "enemy" and know that no one can keep to the straight and narrow code of conduct all the time, even when they are striving to do so, then you will find it is much easier to love your neighbor. To love all of your neighbors. And is this not what we should always be striving to do?