Vacation is a norm for most families in the summer time. Some stay closer to home, while others travel across the states or maybe even the world. A vacation for a person with mental illness is not a vacation. Whether it is depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, or any other illness, they are still going to have a hard time.

I am writing this article in my hotel room in Florida, and personally speaking this is a hard one. Before leaving, I was having a hard time with my depression and my eating. I didn't leave my house often and even if I was 15 minutes away, my anxiety sky-rocketed. Now I'm more than a thousand miles away from home, from the safety of my bed.

My family and I flew out to Florida for a vacation before school starts up again. Florida is a hot state, so I am forced to wear shorts and tank tops, along with bathing suits. There has not been one part of this vacation where I have had a good amount of confidence. I spent most of my time wondering if my "fat" was too much. The constant body check in the mirrors in my hotel room and bathrooms at dinner or lunch. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. People say, "it doesn't matter what you look like on vacation, you'll never see these people again". For me, it doesn't matter if I see these people again, it's the fact that they are looking at my exposed skin now.

If you end up in places with too many people, for example; water parks, amusement parks, festivals etc, life can get a little overwhelming. Crowded places can trigger panic attacks or maybe even loneliness. You realize just how small you are. I have borderline personality disorder along with anxiety and in crowded places I feel so lonely and overwhelmed which causes a panic attack and sometimes even a depressive state. I have to calm myself down and ground myself using techniques that were thankfully taught to me in therapy.

Vacation for someone with a mental illness is not a vacation. I will repeat it a thousand times. You are expected to be okay and happy because of the place you are in. You are free from work and school. You are free from the drama at home and the constant taunting. You are free from the negativity. I can not make it clear enough that even when you are on vacation you ARE NOT FREE FROM THE CONSTANT NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND THE AGONY YOUR MIND PUTS YOU THROUGH. Mental illness is tricky, we are thankful to be here but just because we are here, the thoughts in our minds don't disappear for the week. We have no break from the torment our minds put us through. We do not mean to come off as miserable or ungreatful, we simply don't get the kind of break the rest of you do.