There was a point in my life where I was so depleted of confidence that I began to feel unimportant in the world. I didn’t see me for who I truly was, and there were so many negative consequences to my actions. I felt weak and powerless because I hated who I was as a person. I began to take myself for granted and stood motionless every day of my life. I never felt beautiful and hated looking into the mirror. I was so nervous being around other people and was never able to stand up in front of a crowd. I was afraid of others judging me based on how I looked or what I was wearing. My palms would be sweating when I tried to talk to anyone who I had never met before. Things never seemed to work out for me when it came to making new friends or meeting new people so I stopped trying all together. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the friends that I had, it was just that I couldn’t stand being around anyone

I reached a point in which there was nothing that anyone could say to make me feel positive about myself. I began to stop eating, and eventually developed a disorder that took over my life. Little did I know that it made me distance myself from anyone trying to make me feel good about who I was.

Family and friends would reach out to me, but I hated talking to anyone. All they wanted to do was help me, and I didn’t need their help. I never understood that I really had a problem until the day that I was admitted to a treatment facility for an eating disorder. I denied that I was suffering both mentally and physically for as long as I could remember. It took time to be able to kick the disorder to the curb, but eventually I did. I wish I could say that right when I was discharged I gained a profound new outlook on life, but I didn’t. It wasn’t like in the movies where the person with an addiction gets help, and right when they leave treatment, everything is perfect again. That is not how it works in the real world.

It took months after treatment, maybe even a year, before I finally felt fully recovered. I had held onto this disease for so long that letting it go felt as though I was letting go of a part of myself. I had to stay strong because I did not want to fall back into that black hole that I knew as an eating disorder. I eventually gained my friends back (not all of them, of course). Some people are not able to handle someone who has gone though what I did. It was not until about a year after I was released from treatment that I gained my confidence I was searching for my entire life.I was able to look into the mirror again and see the beautiful girl that I truly was.

I began using social media as an outlet to share my story and tell young girls that they are amazing. There is never a time in someone’s life that they should hate who they are. It is how you are born, and once you accept that, then life just seems to fall into place. For me, that is exactly what happened. A few years later, I met my boyfriend, and we have been together ever since. He accepts me for who I am, and that is what I love about him. I am able to crack stupid jokes, and he laughs even if they really weren’t that funny. He never judges me based on what I eat, either. I can eat a whole pizza, and he will say absolutely nothing to me. He accepts that I enjoy eating now just as much as he does. There are times that I still do not like who I am, and he knows when I am feeling like that. I’ll listen to him call me beautiful and pretty and say that I am perfect just the way that I am. It is things like that that allow me to continue to go on with my life. Knowing that no matter what happens, I will always have someone next to me who loves me.

I am strong and independent even if I do have a boyfriend. He is not all that I need in my life. I am not confined to the idea that my boyfriend is the only person who can make me love who I am. I also have learned that the only person who can convince you to have confidence is yourself. I now love my body and do all that I can to keep it healthy because I never want to go back to where I was. There will be times that it is easier to fall back into old routines, but I do not want to lose what I have in my life. I want to keep my family, boyfriend, and friends. It would hurt me so much to have to lose all of that again.

All that I can say is to be you in a crowd full of people. There will be times that it is easier to just follow along with the crowd, but trust me, it is not worth it. God made you the person that you are today through all of what you have been though, and you need to accept that. It is easier to just be a strong woman than a meager one in this world. You are able to gain what you want in life and it allows you to surpass everyone else. Whenever you feel that you are not able to accomplish anything just remember that I was in your shoes.

I am now about to graduate college and will be applying to Masters and Ph. D programs to become a psychologist. I want to be able to help others who went through the same disorder that I did and want to be able to give them the confidence that they need to get through it. I also have a job while I am in school and am not dependent on other people to buy me the things that I want in life. I work for what I want and am confident in myself that I will be able to achieve all that I want to. I understand that not everyone in life will like me, but I do not care. I am happy with who I am finally, and that is all that matters to me.