I have been to church every Sunday since I was two weeks old.

I'm not sure I understood what church was until I was older because my mother used to catch me in the backyard with Ritz crackers and baptizing the neighbors in their pool claiming to be a prophet named Josephine because the Bible was sexist

The first time I found out Catholic priests couldn't be women I cried for an entire week. I sobbed because I wanted to hold people's souls in my hands and never let them go.

I stopped believing in God a week ago.

I stopped believing in someone who was born with the ability to make everything alright.

Someone may have made this universe into light but it was plunged into darkness first. Human beings spend nine months in darkness before they ever see any light and even then some are still born blind.

But still some are born with colors all over. Some are born finger painting Picasso and dancing to nonsense. Some are born good. Some cry when stepping on worms and wish on lady bugs

The trees and the sky and the clouds and the raindrops on her eyelashes are more than divine coincidences

They are circumstances

She is a circumstance

She is perfect and when my thoughts get too loud all eyes go to her because like a drug addict waiting for the next hit, I am waiting for to help me

She tells me she loves me as I get sick on the bathroom floor

She tells me it is not my fault I can't control it

She tells me it is not my fault that I can't make the words come out and the chords are wrong and that sleep is like a good rest and more like a hell I will never escape

She tells me that I need to look up, see the bigger picture

"Look at the sky" she says

"Look at what God made just for you to look at."

There is no God, baby, I said and she asked "how could there not be?"

There are things around you, there are people below you how can you not see that you are exactly what you are because someone told you to be that way

I think about her at night

Do I really want this new boy? Or do I I want a boy to be there when she is not?