I went to a University as far away as I possibly could. I hated High School. I had one good, solid friend which was perfect--but the rest were not so much. It wasn't necessarily that people were untrustworthy, they just seemed to make my life harder than it needed to be, filled with more drama than it had to have. So I went as far away as I possibly could, hoping that an entire state could fix my problem, let me start over, and become someone entirely new. I was wrong, but for a very unexpected reason.
Freshman year was tough for me, I went through the same cycle of friends: they used me, I had fun with them, and then they grew tired of me and left me behind, going on adventures I would never be invited to. And this happened seemingly with every close friend I had made that year. I cried almost every night, found myself in pits of loneliness and dark places--negative energy. So sophomore year I got a serious job and I tried again--and it happened again: I found a group, good solid people, and they grew tired of me yet again. Again, I found myself alone every night. My depression grew worse this year, more constant and deeper still. I went on medication, I thought that would help. It didn't. It didn't change the fact that when I was at my worst, when things were hardest, I had no one to turn to. And it turned me bitter. I wasn't a great person that year, and maybe not even freshman year. I seemed to always be followed by negative energy, toxic emotions, and feelings that made it hard for me to get up and do something--anything really.
It took me until junior year to understand exactly why this kept happening to me so often. I knew about toxic people: my best friend had been one. I had been hurt deeply my whole childhood so I had believed so strongly that I failed to make strong emotional connections because of it. I believed I was fragile and everyone else was toxic because I needed more support. I wasn't wrong, necessarily, but what I didn't realize until Junior year, was that it was possible for me to be that toxic person. It was possible for me to create that negative energy that I hated, and not necessarily drive everyone away, but push everyone away because I wanted to get rid of this tiring energy, not realizing that it was me bringing it to the table. I never got to the root of my issue.
Being a toxic person isn't great, in fact, it's horrible. It brings despair not to others' lives only but yours too. It hurts people, and it hurts you too. It's not easy, it's not fun, and it allows no room for grown, no room to fully live in ways much different than people think living is. Being a toxic person only really becomes a problem when you become aware that you are one, but make no strives to fix it. Of course it's bad to be a toxic person, but it isn't always something done in person. I never wanted to be that person, I very much wanted to be the opposite, but I was still a factor at the end of the day. Those are the people to run away from, those that make no effort to change. There is no problem with needing to change, to re-evaluate and take a closer look at yourself. There's always room for growth, and there's always room to learn and that in fact makes you stronger. Now that i fully understand myself, I can make strides to be better not necessarily for others, but mostly myself. There's no shame, no weakness in picking yourself up and starting again, as many times as it takes.
