College Student (Sub-human)
Not to be confused with Rational Adult
The college student comes from a subgroup of individuals of the taxonomical tribe Homo sapiens. The average age of students ranges from 17 to 27. They are distinguishable by their inexperience and contradictory belief that they possess it. Socially perceived as reliable enough to extract insurmountable loans yet unqualified for jobs that would pay them off.
Habitat
Can be found crawling down public streets late at night, covered in a sticky layer of sweat and discount liquor, huddled beneath their bedroom blankets, crying incessantly, or wandering from classroom to library to public buildings, not sure what they’re doing there. The college student’s home tends to have at least two tapestries, one emptied bottle collection, three sets of Christmas lights, a sink full of dishes, and a fridge full of condiments and Chinese takeout.
There are two branches that stem from the larger collection of college student: The Lax and The Neurotic. The Joey and the Monica. The Bukowski and the Plath. When exploring the room of The Lax, one can discover a thick layer of clothes strewn across the floor, an empty box of pizza stuffed beneath an unmade bed, an unfished drink on the nightstand, half-full notebooks scattered by the door, and at least sixteen receipts from various trips to McDonalds hidden somewhere in the mix.
The Neurotic, however, keeps their space organized with the rigidity of military officer. If The Neurotic has books, one can be sure they also have a bookshelf. Perfumes are organized by size and color on boudoirs. The floor is not only void of clothes, but was also probably just vacuumed. There is almost always an Airwick or candle in The Neurotic’s room. The Neurotic will keep mementos not dissimilar to the Lax’s food receipts. Instead, they will preserve old movie stubs and notes from friends by framing them or tacking them to a corkboard above their bed.
Characteristics
Common traits include disheveled hair, red glazed eyes, and empty wallets. Many sport clothes with elastic waistbands, finding their midriffs bulging systematically as their time at school continues. Constantly checks Instagram and Twitter for updates on whether competitor students received jobs, internships, wedding rings, or grad school acceptance letters. Binges on ice cream and boxed wine accordingly. Outstanding capacity to externally appear happy for peers when internally feel as if their ribs are being plucked from their body with each missed opportunity and zit accrued.
Will receive assignments months in advance yet find themselves in the library, crying in front of a total stranger because they have less than twenty-four hours to write a ten-page paper and didn’t remember to reserve a private room. Will spend hours perfecting their social media accounts or editing a photo before uploading it to Instagram. Groans when given a brief online quiz they can retake.
The college student will express outrage upon discovering that their teacher, in fact, did not put their slides online. When tuition rises, they will take to Twitter with the vehemence of a betrayed lover. The college student is political and passionate. Even the ones who claim they “don’t do politics.” Many friends and enemies will be made through shared beliefs that will stick so long as the comments on a Facebook post are not deleted.
Symptoms
Symptoms include anxiety, weight gain, weight loss, insomnia, exhaustion, vomiting, confusion, heartburn, mania, narcissism, self-doubt, depression, crushing debt, unemployment, irrational heartache, and loneliness.
Treatment
No known cures, but hey, that’s what they’re in school for.
See also
- Hangovers
- Bad decisions
- Friendship
- Broken Phones
- Test Anxiety
- Financial Aid
