You'll Never Understand The Ways You Hurt Me

You'll Never Understand The Ways You Hurt Me

I haven’t gotten over it; I’ve just gotten used to it.
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I've spent quite some time pondering whether I was right to feel hurt by you, or whether I was just being overly sensitive and dramatic. I wondered this because you never insulted me to my face, yelled at me or picked a fight with me. Instead, you hurt me in much more subtle, more indirect ways. But that doesn't make my feelings any less valid.

You hurt me when you started treating me differently from the way you used to...and I can pinpoint the exact moment when that change happened. You didn't know it, but I started to feel more and more alienated...like I was different in a bad way.

You hurt me when you clearly chose a side. Not because it wasn't my side; just because it was a shitty thing to do, and it caused my trust in you to crumble.

You hurt me by hurting the people I care about.

After a while I started to realize that the only times we ever saw each other anymore were because of my effort, and by continuing to make that effort, knowing you wouldn't appreciate it or reciprocate it, I was being unkind and disrespectful to myself.

Friendship is a two way street, and spending time with me, getting to know me and being my friend are choices that you weren't making. That hurt.

You were never outrightly mean to me, but I almost think that would have been easier to deal with. At least then I would’ve known for sure where we stood, and maybe I could’ve written you off and moved on long ago, rather than letting the doubts, uncertainties and questions—questions about my worth and whether or not I was good enough—fester in my brain. I haven’t gotten over it; I’ve just gotten used to it. Bad habits really are hard to break…and caring about your opinion is one of mine.

I don't know why I stood by and watched as you reached out to everyone but me, the person who probably needed it the most. I don’t know why I couldn’t recognize what was really happening—that you were just being a bad friend to me. Okay, sure, you were there for me once, and you did make me feel cared about, and I do appreciate that. That doesn’t erase the fact that you hurt me, though.

I am fully aware that this next part is going to sound overly sensitive and dramatic, but I’m going to say it anyway: my stomach still jumps when your name is mentioned. Ah, the lovely feeling that only the people who’ve hurt me can create. I think it happens because you’re mentioned so casually, a stark contrast to the bitter taste you left in my mouth, and it reminds me of a fact I’m usually trying to forget—that, in some distant, far-off world, there is this cool, collected version of you that still exists, that I apparently will never get to see. A version of you that still doesn’t realize that you changed on me, betrayed my trust, and hurt me.

But that’s okay; I’m moving on.

Cover Image Credit: Ariana Leo

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To The Parent Who Chose Addiction

Thank you for giving me a stronger bond with our family.

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When I was younger I resented you, I hated every ounce of you, and I used to question why God would give me a parent like you. Not now. Now I see the beauty and the blessings behind having an addict for a parent. If you're reading this, it isn't meant to hurt you, but rather to thank you.

Thank you for choosing your addiction over me.

Throughout my life, you have always chosen the addiction over my programs, my swim meets or even a simple movie night. You joke about it now or act as if I never questioned if you would wake up the next morning from your pill and alcohol-induced sleep, but I thank you for this. I thank you because I gained a relationship with God. The amount of time I spent praying for you strengthened our relationship in ways I could never explain.

SEE ALSO: They're Not Junkies, You're Just Uneducated

Thank you for giving me a stronger bond with our family.

The amount of hurt and disappointment our family has gone through has brought us closer together. I have a relationship with Nanny and Pop that would never be as strong as it is today if you had been in the picture from day one. That in itself is a blessing.

Thank you for showing me how to love.

From your absence, I have learned how to love unconditionally. I want you to know that even though you weren't here, I love you most of all. No matter the amount of heartbreak, tears, and pain I've felt, you will always be my greatest love.

Thank you for making me strong.

Thank you for leaving and for showing me how to be independent. From you, I have learned that I do not need anyone else to prove to me that I am worthy of being loved. From you, I have learned that life is always hard, but you shouldn't give into the things that make you feel good for a short while, but should search for the real happiness in life.

Most of all, thank you for showing me how to turn my hurt into motivation.

I have learned that the cycle of addiction is not something that will continue into my life. You have hurt me more than anyone, but through that hurt, I have pushed myself to become the best version of myself.

Thank you for choosing the addiction over me because you've made me stronger, wiser, and loving than I ever could've been before.

Cover Image Credit: http://crashingintolove.tumblr.com/post/62246881826/pieffysessanta-tumblr-com

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10 Fun Things You Should Do With Your College Friends Before Summer

Before your friend from New York heads back home, grab her and enjoy her company while you can.

akumari
akumari
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1. Go on a shopping spree for summer clothes

2. Try out a new restaurant

3. Get matching tattoos (or henna if this is too extreme)

4. Get piercings together

5. Go bowling with a group of friends

6. Go skydiving

7. Go explore a zoo

8. Go on a hiking trail

9. Plan out a weekend to meet over the summer

10. P-A-R-T-Y!!

In college, you meet people from all over the world. Though when you become best friends with those people it is hard to say goodbye when the college year ends. Hopefully, these ideas will help you say goodbye easier (it will definitely be hard but at least you have these memories to hold on too)!

akumari
akumari

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