You'll Never Understand The Ways You Hurt Me

You'll Never Understand The Ways You Hurt Me

I haven’t gotten over it; I’ve just gotten used to it.
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I've spent quite some time pondering whether I was right to feel hurt by you, or whether I was just being overly sensitive and dramatic. I wondered this because you never insulted me to my face, yelled at me or picked a fight with me. Instead, you hurt me in much more subtle, more indirect ways. But that doesn't make my feelings any less valid.

You hurt me when you started treating me differently from the way you used to...and I can pinpoint the exact moment when that change happened. You didn't know it, but I started to feel more and more alienated...like I was different in a bad way.

You hurt me when you clearly chose a side. Not because it wasn't my side; just because it was a shitty thing to do, and it caused my trust in you to crumble.

You hurt me by hurting the people I care about.

After a while I started to realize that the only times we ever saw each other anymore were because of my effort, and by continuing to make that effort, knowing you wouldn't appreciate it or reciprocate it, I was being unkind and disrespectful to myself.

Friendship is a two way street, and spending time with me, getting to know me and being my friend are choices that you weren't making. That hurt.

You were never outrightly mean to me, but I almost think that would have been easier to deal with. At least then I would’ve known for sure where we stood, and maybe I could’ve written you off and moved on long ago, rather than letting the doubts, uncertainties and questions—questions about my worth and whether or not I was good enough—fester in my brain. I haven’t gotten over it; I’ve just gotten used to it. Bad habits really are hard to break…and caring about your opinion is one of mine.

I don't know why I stood by and watched as you reached out to everyone but me, the person who probably needed it the most. I don’t know why I couldn’t recognize what was really happening—that you were just being a bad friend to me. Okay, sure, you were there for me once, and you did make me feel cared about, and I do appreciate that. That doesn’t erase the fact that you hurt me, though.

I am fully aware that this next part is going to sound overly sensitive and dramatic, but I’m going to say it anyway: my stomach still jumps when your name is mentioned. Ah, the lovely feeling that only the people who’ve hurt me can create. I think it happens because you’re mentioned so casually, a stark contrast to the bitter taste you left in my mouth, and it reminds me of a fact I’m usually trying to forget—that, in some distant, far-off world, there is this cool, collected version of you that still exists, that I apparently will never get to see. A version of you that still doesn’t realize that you changed on me, betrayed my trust, and hurt me.

But that’s okay; I’m moving on.

Cover Image Credit: Ariana Leo

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Sorry, But "I'm Too Busy" Just Doesn't Cut It Anymore

"Learn to prioritize or find someone who will accept your too busy bullshit."
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I'm busy too?

You make time for the things you want to make time for. By telling me you're too busy to come see me (when you haven't for months) I am completely understanding and accepting I'm just not a priority of yours. For some that's okay, but for others-like myself-I'm just not cool with it. I want to be loved, appreciated, heard, and seen. I would assume someone that I care for would want that for me too, but some just don't.

I've lost friends, family, and ex's all because they were too busy. In the long run they made time for the things they wanted to, and that was my point all along. You don't just get to put someone on the back burner and then decide when you're bored-"oh yeah, I remember you!"

It doesn't work that way. Maybe it's something I would have tolerated a few years ago because I didn't know my self worth and I wanted to keep people around because I loved them even though they didn't love me. Nowadays, I'm too busy cutting people out of my life if they do me wrong once. That's because I'm done giving second chances to people who don't work for them nor deserve them.

I'm too busy -- Is a load of shit.

What, you have too much school work?

-Okay maybe I'm not going to school to be the same thing you are, but I have homework too. It may be a different kind of work than what you're use to, but it still requires my time and patience nonetheless. So using the "I have too much homework to do, I just can't." Yeah, that doesn't really fly with me.

Learn to prioritize or find someone who will accept your too busy bullshit.

Oh, so you haven't gotten much sleep lately?

Neither have I! Most of the time, a lot of us haven't slept. Maybe you have children, maybe you have tests that need to be studied for, or maybe you have anxiety so bad through the night that you don't remember your last good sleep.

But I'm tired too. We are all tired. Every minute of every day, one of us is doing something that the other person isn't, so stop making it all about you and your schedule. Start acting interested in the things other people do and realize, "Huh, they're pretty busy and they make time for the people they love..maybe I should try that?"

Because what's going to happen is the people you're putting off, will eventually put you off permanently. We may tolerate you being busy for a good while, but that doesn't mean we'll do it forever.

Hmm, You don't have any money for gas?

Then maybe stop spending it all going out. How is it so hard to say to yourself: "Instead of buying booze maybe I'll save some money to go home and see my family."

Or

"I haven't seen this friend for awhile, maybe I'll put off getting shit faced this weekend and make it a priority to see them."

It truthfully isn't that hard.

Maybe you're hours and hours away and you really are too busy to spend a whole weekend away from the hectic mess of it all. Then for God's sake, call? Text? Write a damn letter. Do something to show that the person waiting on the other end for a sign of life from you knows that you still care.

Eventually we'll start to believe you don't, and we probably won't either.

I'm done with I'm too busy. It doesn't mean a thing to me anymore. Every single one of us has our own obligations and activities that makes life seem impossible, but somehow we make due.

And if you actually cared for the person, so would you.

Cover Image Credit: https://www.pexels.com/photo/back-view-blonde-hair-blur-fall-547557/

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A Thank You To The Friend I Don't Get To See Enough

You're a whole lot of lovely.
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Dear Friend,

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you for always being there. While we may not see each other every day, or even every month, I know, without a doubt, you are there for me.

Thank you for the ability to always pick up right where we left off, and always knowing just the thing to cheer me up when I am down.


Thank you for making me laugh, for hearing me vent, and for letting me cry on your shoulder.


Thank you for our phone calls, texts, and Facetimes for when we can't meet in person, and for homemade spotify playlists, made especially for me.


Thank you for spur-of-the moment beach trips, weekends, concerts, and just hanging out.


Friend, I appreciate you so, so much, and I cherish our friendship. I am so proud of everything that you have done, all that you have accomplished, and the person I have had the pleasure of growing up with. I don't know what I would do without you in my life, and I look forward to a future filled with so much more fun.


There is so much more I could say, because I just love you so much. But I will leave it at this: there's nothing like a childhood best friend, and I am so glad that you're mine.

Love,

Your friend



Cover Image Credit: Photo by Bewakoof.com Official on Unsplash

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