You'll Never Understand The Ways You Hurt Me

You'll Never Understand The Ways You Hurt Me

I haven’t gotten over it; I’ve just gotten used to it.
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I've spent quite some time pondering whether I was right to feel hurt by you, or whether I was just being overly sensitive and dramatic. I wondered this because you never insulted me to my face, yelled at me or picked a fight with me. Instead, you hurt me in much more subtle, more indirect ways. But that doesn't make my feelings any less valid.

You hurt me when you started treating me differently from the way you used to...and I can pinpoint the exact moment when that change happened. You didn't know it, but I started to feel more and more alienated...like I was different in a bad way.

You hurt me when you clearly chose a side. Not because it wasn't my side; just because it was a shitty thing to do, and it caused my trust in you to crumble.

You hurt me by hurting the people I care about.

After a while I started to realize that the only times we ever saw each other anymore were because of my effort, and by continuing to make that effort, knowing you wouldn't appreciate it or reciprocate it, I was being unkind and disrespectful to myself.

Friendship is a two way street, and spending time with me, getting to know me and being my friend are choices that you weren't making. That hurt.

You were never outrightly mean to me, but I almost think that would have been easier to deal with. At least then I would’ve known for sure where we stood, and maybe I could’ve written you off and moved on long ago, rather than letting the doubts, uncertainties and questions—questions about my worth and whether or not I was good enough—fester in my brain. I haven’t gotten over it; I’ve just gotten used to it. Bad habits really are hard to break…and caring about your opinion is one of mine.

I don't know why I stood by and watched as you reached out to everyone but me, the person who probably needed it the most. I don’t know why I couldn’t recognize what was really happening—that you were just being a bad friend to me. Okay, sure, you were there for me once, and you did make me feel cared about, and I do appreciate that. That doesn’t erase the fact that you hurt me, though.

I am fully aware that this next part is going to sound overly sensitive and dramatic, but I’m going to say it anyway: my stomach still jumps when your name is mentioned. Ah, the lovely feeling that only the people who’ve hurt me can create. I think it happens because you’re mentioned so casually, a stark contrast to the bitter taste you left in my mouth, and it reminds me of a fact I’m usually trying to forget—that, in some distant, far-off world, there is this cool, collected version of you that still exists, that I apparently will never get to see. A version of you that still doesn’t realize that you changed on me, betrayed my trust, and hurt me.

But that’s okay; I’m moving on.

Cover Image Credit: Ariana Leo

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18 Things That Happen When You Get A Good Roommate

Not every roommate story is a bad one.
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Whenever you hear about roommate stories, they're almost never good, and they usually scare you into never wanting a roommate. "Did you hear her roommate steals her clothes?" "Her roommate doesn't shower!" "Wow, her roommate doesn't talk at all, and doesn't do laundry." From what I hear, there are more bad stories than good. That is why I consider myself lucky, because my roommate is nothing like one of those bad stories. When life hands you a good roommate after talking to about 40 girls through Facebook, a few things happen.

1. You always have someone to talk to.

2. You know each other's schedules, and whenever you both have a break is an exciting time.

3. You'll never have to dance alone.


4. You always have someone to do something with, even if it's just walking down the hall.

5. You both look out for each other, because this is your first time without your parents.

6. You always have a shoulder to lean on when things get tough.

7. Borrowing each other's things is a daily thing.

8. You TRY to help with each other's homework and assignments.

9. They're encouraging when it comes to boys. (Unless they're a f*ckboy.)

10. They're your biggest support system and your personal cheerleader.

11. They never forget to wish you luck on a big exam.

12. They accept how gross you are in the morning and not so pleasant sometimes.

13. You both know each other's favorite and least favorite things.

14. Leaving each other notes saying goodbye before class if you don't see them is normal.

15. Saying goodbye for breaks is upsetting.

16. Not seeing them all day is upsetting.

17. You have more pictures together than any of your other friends.

18. You found a best friend for life.

Cover Image Credit: Jordan Griffin

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To The Friend I Didn't Know I Needed

Some of the best friendships grow out of moments of desperation, but are actually what you need for the rest of your life.

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Dear Virginia,

First, before I tell you how awesome you are, I must write a disclaimer to anyone not you reading this that, yes, ironically two of my best friends were born eight days apart. What are the odds of that? (Even weirder is that my other best friend and I are born eight days apart in October.) So, while it would be much more touching and cute and less repetitive if I was able to put these articles out in non-consecutive weeks, that's how it's got to be.

NOW. Where do I begin? I guess the beginning. Unlike Cait, I do definitely remember meeting Virginia. We were both completely alone at lunch on the first day at school and knew absolutely no one else. Not that we really knew each other, but we recognized one another from summer basketball and on the first day of high school that's more than enough. And this rather pathetic, cliché meeting has spawned into another of my life's most valued friendships.

Somehow, and rather intentionally at times, we had almost the exact same schedule for 90% of high school. This obviously lent itself to study sessions (which was a true sign of friendship at the time because I am VERY particular about how I study). You were one of the only people I trusted to work on work with me and help me to be better in school. So thanks, I passed like half those classes only by your help.

But I think the weirdest, and most valuable, part of our friendship is that most of the time being friends with you is like looking in a mirror. That's not to say we don't have different interests or separate friends. But you almost always know what I'm thinking, even when I don't say it, and I can usually guess what you're thinking too. You're one of the few people I could talk to for hours and not come up with some introverted excuse to end the conversation and move on to something else. Or we can lay by a pool on our phones and not talk and still be totally fine with just hanging out.

I'm always so happy to get to come home because I know no matter how busy you seem to be you always make time to hang out. Unlike some of our wilder and louder friends, you're always the person I can count on to be the solid and rational voice of reason. But you still manage to make everything fun, and we always manage to have an adventure when we do things together. Like Caitlin, you can pull me out of my comfort zone – but you never make me do anything I'm not comfortable with (except eating sweet potatoes, which I tried again and still don't really like, sorry).

So happy 21st birthday Virginia! I can truly say yours is a friendship that grew out a desperate moment of high school terror at eating alone into a friendship that I didn't know I needed until I had it. Thank you for being the friend I can turn to with anything, and I can't wait to see you soon!

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