Unapologetically, You

I feel like my entire dating life has been different variations of settling. They're either not willing to commit or they're far away, or they simply don't treat me like the princess that I know I am.

I shrink down to fit them. I ignore parts of me entirely that I don't feel like they'll appreciate. I stifle what I want and hold it back, saying to myself, "As we get more comfortable, I'll bring this up."

Truly, I can't blame them for everything. I don't think I've ever quite found someone who had the potential to be The One. What keeps me up at night is not the unfilled space in my bed, nor the inevitable feeling of waking up and having only yourself to greet "Good morning," with coffee and prolonged snoozes that come with every sunrise. What keeps me up is knowing that I truly don't know how to date as myself.

When I'm in a relationship with someone, I know it's a version of me, let's call her Jenny, that's responding to their texts and answering their calls. And I think Jenny genuinely likes the guys she's with. She's a little delusional, she sells herself short, and she's always willing to change or cancel plans according to her S.O. and what they want to do.

But when those relationships end, Jenny kind of goes back into hiding, and it's just Jentry again. And I truly think of these women as separate people, because I know I would never do what Jenny does. I would never angrily walk through the snow to go home from a party early, only to never bring it up in conversation the next day. I would never be okay with someone not talking to me for two or three days, only with the occasional text to cling onto. I would never pick up the whole tab while I can tell that, really, he just didn't see it as a date and didn't want to pay for my tiny salad because, oh yeah, we went to a steak house for dinner even though he knows I've been vegan for the last two and a half years and I haven't eaten steak since I was fifteen. But Jenny would.

Here's the funny thing about Jenny though: It's not like she's getting more attention than I do. She's not having any more fun, or any better relationships. She's not the one getting flowers or cute calls. So why do I default to her and let her control the steering wheel whenever the way gets rocky? Is it because, deep down, I'd rather them be disappointed with Jenny than with me? No more.

This is the funeral of Jenny. No more will I stifle what I think or what I feel, merely because I'm afraid that it will turn someone away. The truth is, you can only hide who you are for a short amount of time. Eventually, everyone will see the real you. And when they do, they'll either love it or hate it. So wasting your time trying to confuse both yourself and your partner to stay with a person that doesn't actually exist is truly a misuse of everyone's time.

I'm done settling. Really, I'm done dating, possibly for a while. I think when I'm ready to go out there, brave-faced, as my actual self, I'll know. And I can't expect it any sooner than when I'm absolutely ready.

Ask yourself, single ladies. Is it really you that you're putting out there? Or is it a girl who looks a lot like you, talks a lot like you, acts a lot like you, but is really not you? Because if you think for even one second that you should do/wear/say something out of fear that your soulmate won't like you, then that person is not your person.

It's time to slip on your Doc Martens, wear your hair in an insanely messy bun, use that damn dog filter as much as you damn well please, and be unapologetically you. - JW