You can feel the excitement in the air as schools begin and moms start to pull out dusty recipes for cheese dip and roasted sausage bites. Football season is almost here—as if you couldn't tell. People post count downs on Instagram, fraternities play "hype videos" on a loop on their wide screen TVs, ESPN predicts how good each SEC team is going to be this season. But for some people in the South, deep down, they just don't really care. To some it's just another season, except with more chips and beer. They are small in number and they are the outcasts of the region. I am a member of this minority. I could really care less if Ole Miss beats State, or if Alabama squashes Auburn for another year (please no one kill me for saying that). I bought a fancy hoodie that says "Go Dawgs" on the back, but I really doubt you'll see me in front of a football game for more than 10 minutes (unless there is a seven-layer dip there, in which case I will happily sit there till its gone). I am writing this article, risking my friendships and many upcoming social events, to help those like me who think football is, well, trivial. Here are my tips for fake-enjoying everyone else's favorite time of year.
1) Pick a team. Any team. It really doesn't matter as long as no one else in your friend group is rooting for their rival (i.e. don't yell "Go Gators" if your boyfriend is a die hard Georgia fan. I promise you he will not think its as funny as you do.) This is important. You need to blend into the masses here. If they notice you don't have a favorite SEC team, you'll be ostracized and not invited to anything that happens on game days.
2) Find out the basics about your team. Did they win anything last year? Who is the quarterback? Is there a chant or some absurd hand motion thing that you're supposed to do when they get a touchdown?
3) Buy a tshirt/sweatshirt/hoodie for your team. If any one tells you that you're "not a true fan" (since you were somehow supposed to know that the Razorbacks beat TCU on October 2, 1971 but didn't) you can always reply "would a fake fan have spent $60 on a hoodie? Yeah, didn't think so." This will protect you from the "bandwagon attackers" who just don't understand that some of us actually don't care who wins, we just want the free beer at game day parties.
4) Learn to make some sort of game day food. If you always show up with a layered dip, or sausages on toothpicks, or even just cookie dough squares on a fancy platter, they will ignore your yawns during the game and continue to accept you as one of their own. If you need any help, try contacting your grandmother. I'm sure she has a collection of hors d'oeurves so extensive that the Library of Congress had to add it to their archives.
5) Learn the technical babble. You don't actually have to know what they mean but it helps to just string some words together to sound like you know what you're talking about. My go-to's are "Did you see that interception in the second quarter? What a guy he is" and "Man! He's calling so many audibles!". Do I really know what I'm talking about? Absolutely not, but they do and then you can zone out for a few minutes as they ramble on about it.
I hope this helps all my football-indifferent brothers and sisters. Check back in the spring for my article "How to Watch Baseball Without Letting Your Boyfriend Notice You're Just Checking Out the Players Butts".
Good luck to you all.
