There's a lot of shit crowding the internet on taboo topics like drugs and depression. Since I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety this summer, I haven’t cared to look at what the great people of the internet have said about it either. I don’t know if it isn’t obvious to you yet but I’m a writer. And when I stumbled upon this article called “Trying to Be Creative When You're on Antidepressants Isn't Easy” I had to read it.
Just the title alone hit too close to home. I’ve struggled all summer to find my creativity. To write my usual short stories, to watercolor or even embroider. It wasn’t that I had no motivation, hell I had plenty. I would go to café’s like I normally do, order myself an iced mocha and force myself to sit down and write whatever I could. But I don’t know, it just didn’t work. I had a few great ideas but nothing that I could form words for. Or I’d have a great vision for some abstract watercolor but after I’d get all set up and start painting, nothing would happen.
It’s easier to be sad than happy. Whenever someone asks me about how I feel when I’m on my crazy meds I tell them about my good days and my bad days. Good days are what people consider to be normal. I’m up and out of bed before noon, I’m active, I’m happy and I’m not thinking too much.
Bad days vary, on the softer side, my day will start off fantastic then emotions just hit me like a train and it gets hard to function. On the other side is my ultimate extreme and I’m happy to report I haven’t had one of these days since I’ve been on my crazy pills. Anyways, to call them “bad days” I feel like is an understatement. These days are me not eating, not getting out of bed simply because I don’t feel like I can and I can’t find a reason why.
Amy Smolcic, the author of the article says, “I always thought I wrote best when I was depressed.” And as sad and as miserable as it sounds, it’s true. You have everything to question when you’re sad. Like why is the sky so f**king blue, is the blue sky making you sad? Okay maybe not exactly like that but there’s so much more to being sad than there is to be happy. Just like Shrek said, "Onions have layers," exactly like sadness does. When you're sad, you're not just sad, there's a little bit of anger, frustration, you're feeling desolate and fucking desperate. And happiness, well it’s a warm feeling you get when you finally get your soft serve ice cream.
I have pages and files of half written articles of me trying to write about my own anxiety and depression that just haven’t made the cut. At this point in time, I’m still trying to figure out all of my craziness and how to manage it. I go to sleep sometimes worrying about how tomorrow will be or how I’ll feel in the next couple of hours.
