It’s that time of year again when the sun gets hotter and the days get longer. That time when textbooks are tossed aside and pool floaties take their place in that spot by the front door. That time when flip-flops replace sneakers and bikinis replace dress codes. That time when crippling self-doubt and insecurities slip back into our lives as we attempt to mirror the images of Victoria’s Secret models with little success. That time we finally convince ourselves to put in the last-minute effort to get that perfect beach-bod. That time to hit the mechanical jungle of foreign equipment and evolutionarily superior primates. It’s that time to hit the gym.
1. The Protagonists
While at first glance, the gym can appear to be a menacing land, at second glance, it only gets worse. What’s scariest perhaps are the Protagonists.
The Protagonists have been training all their life for this moment, and for them, “this moment” is every moment. These are the regulars who frequent six days a week and have mastered all 78 types of workout machinery including, but not limited to: the elliptical, the bench press and the weird thing with the ropes and the bars that you found yourself tangled in a couple of times.
They have surpassed us mere mortals with their toned muscles and chiseled abs. Perhaps they’re nice too. You wouldn’t know. You move rooms every time one comes onto the treadmill next to you. Their presence is not inspiring, but rather, terrifying.
But even so, these grasshoppers are nothing compared to...
2. The Senseis
Ah... the Senseis. The wise old masters of health who are well into their sixties. Despite their graying hair and the fact that they’re three times your age, the Senseis are full of energy and youth.
Ironically, they are the ones sprinting 10 miles at a time while you are the one clutching your heart in preparation of a heart attack, but don’t let that discourage you. The Senseis have spent their whole lives working out at the gym while you’ve only been here for the past 10 minutes.
But none is as busy or as hardworking as...
3. The Bumble Bee
The Bumble Bees are on the heavier side. They may easily get out of breath or red in the face but are motivated to make a change in their lifestyle nonetheless. In a land of Senseis and Protagonists, these wild Bumble Bees tend to stick out a little more than they want to.
The Bumble Bee will get a lot of stares, a lot of snickers and even a lot of sly paparazzis filming on their Snapchats. The Bumble Bees didn’t ask for this. They hate all this attention. They just want to get healthier, and the last thing they need is some a*shole tearing down their confidence and embarrassing them for their genuine attempts. So the next time you run into a Bumble Bee at the gym, turn your head, mind your own business and f*ck off.
4. The Noob
And then we have the Noob, the one who’s a little too excited to lose weight and start a new chapter in his life. The Noob just went out to the mall a day ago and spent $200’s worth of workout gear at Nike, only for them to be worn once for an Instagram picture in front of a dumbbell rack and then never again. His “diet pla” was, too, soon forgotten.
It’s not that the Noob’s not trying; it’s just that it’s difficult to when Netflix’s there chirping his name. There always tends to be an influx in the Noob population right after New Years.
But hey, while you’re there, forget about all the wild species at the gym and just enjoy the process of working out and creating a healthier version of you. Whether you’re a Protagonist or a Bumble Bee, don’t let that take away from your experience of what the gym has to offer.
Just try not to be a Noob.
Best of luck!
Astrology in the Age of Doubt
You Should Read Paris Hilton's Memoir, Too
How Can Schools Do Better?
