Ah, winter break. A time for catching up with your family members. You can be 99.9 percent certain that they are going to ask you all about the past semester; what you learned, how your classes went, and what all your friends are doing over break. Here are a few things that will be going through your mind before you answer these mind numbing generic questions Aunt Marie will ask as she gets entirely too hammered off eggnog. Be careful what you think and what you actually say are not the same thing, because grandma is always ease dropping from right around the corner.

1. What did you learn this semester?

Mind: Well, I learned how to be frugal and live off $15 dollars for 3 weeks because college is expensive as shit. I learned that if you drink Vlad quickly enough you won't be able to think about how much you hate your life because you're too broke to buy anything that doesn't taste like battery acid, because you won't even be able to find your cell phone in your pocket. I learned that amature stripper night is every first Monday of the month, just incase I get really desperate, it's always great to have options.

Actual: "Well, I had a bunch of major classes this semester, so I learned all about how to write press releases in APA format.."

2. How Did Your Classes go?

Mind: I didn't actually learn anything of value, and everything they thought in class was word- for -word from the book so the fact that I even paid for them to teach me is irrelevant. Also, did you know that attendance counts towards your grade? It doesn't matter that I pay them literally every cent that I own and will be in debt for the rest of my life, nope they have to make it more difficult. I sat through all of my classes debating if I shoved my pencil through my eye balls if I would be able to leave early.

Actual: "They were all really great! I had some of the best professors and I think I really knocked my finals out of the park. Did you know attendance counts toward your grade? I didn't miss a single class."

3. Are you sad about leaving all of your friends for 6 weeks?

Mind: Absolutely not. In fact I don't even have friends. Nobody has friends. College is all about finding people who mutually hate their lives as much as you do, and pretend to care as you cry about the hole your bank account, GPA, and love life is currently in. In fact, I'm more excited about coming home and working at the bar. The regular named "Yukon" is a better friend of mine than any of those people. AND he pays me to listen to him whine.

Actual: "Yeah, I can't wait to go back! My one friend and I are trying to make plans to see each other over break."

4. What are all your friends doing over break?

Mind: Again with the friend questions. I literally don't like people, stop asking me.

Actual:" Uhm, well most of them are just working at home like me. Only their jobs aren't as fun."

5. How's your GPA looking this semester? I expect nothing less than a 4.0 from you little lady.

Mind: Well, I'll I spent about 3 weeks without sleep trying to get everything done and in on time. I tried my best, and I still have both of my eye balls which is living proof that I made it through all my classes without shoving a pencil through my eye ball... just be grateful for that.

Actual: "Killed it. I'll be sure to send you a picture of it so you can send me money. "

6. What do you want to do with your degree after you graduate?

Mind: HAHA nothing. I don't even want to be here. I wanted to roam through Australia or be a bartender for the rest of my life, but my parents didn't find that acceptable or brag worthy.

Actual: "Well I really want to work for a agency specifically on crisis control... *bullshit *bullshit *bullshit...."

7. How's your love life going? Did you meet anyone special at school?

Mind: Well, this one guy I met threw up on my shoes, hugged me to say sorry about it, and then threw up in my hair...

Actual: "No, I'm just really trying to focus on my school work."

8. Are you happy to be home?

Mind: YES. PLEASE don't make me go back to that forsaken place. I never ever ever ever want to go back.

Actual: "No".

9. How's (Gus) Your Pet?

Mind: Ugh, he's great. He's my favorite part about everyday.

Actual: "Ugh, he's great. He's my favorite part about everyday."