My childhood memories of Thanksgiving include turkeys made out of play dough and popsicle sticks, something about Pilgrims, hugging family members who I didn’t exactly remember, and pushing around the food on my plate until our guests left and my mom could take me to Burger King.
As much as my palate has developed with age, I will never adjust to Thanksgiving food. The sound of hot gravy makes me want to vomit, and the sight of canned cranberry sauce has been known to give me nightmares. It's also safe to say that stuffing shouldn't be the name of something edible, and traditional green bean casserole looks like shriveled up worms isn't really my idea of appetizing.
Please, don't get me started on the turkey, either. I would rather eat a can of cat food than eat thick, dry, Thanksgiving turkey. Something I hate more than the food though, is my loud, Jewish grandma yelling at me to eat more. When I was younger, it was more acceptable to be a finicky eater with little on my plate, now if I have nothing on my plate it's considered rude. If you happen to hate food that hasn’t evolved since the 1800s and loud grandmas trying to force feed you, you are not alone. After many years under scrutiny by friends and family, I have figured out a way to fake it 'til I make it, that is by picking out the best of the worst foods to eat during Thanksgiving dinner.
Mashed potatoes.
If you put a lot of butter and salt on them they really aren't half bad. They’re also perfect to pile on your plate because they’re easy to move around to make it look like you ate more than you did—a perfect tactic for fooling grandma.
Sweet potatoes with marshmallows.
Let's be real, I scoop of the top layer of ‘mallows and leave straight sweet potatoes for the family member behind me. Sorry, Uncle Chuck. But hey, if that’s wrong I don’t want to be right.
Dinner rolls.
Yum, carbs. You really can’t go wrong with dinner rolls. Eat three or four and you’ll probably be stuffed, which is a great excuse when asked why you stopped eating. Be careful with this one though, because your parents may yell at you for “spoiling your dinner with all the bread” and banish you to the kid’s table. No one wants to be at the kid’s table.
Roasted corn on the cob.
If you put a lot of butter and salt on them they really aren’t half bad. Did I already say that? I’m sensing a trend here. Nevertheless, you can’t really go wrong with corn. Or butter, or salt.
Pumpkin pie.
I hate the flavor of pumpkin, but sometimes you’re forced into coffee and dessert while you pass around the phone so everyone can speak to the relative who couldn’t make it. If you get stuck in this situation, I suggest covering the pie in whipped cream so tall that with every bite you take you never reach the pie. This is a foolproof method.
Picky eaters, unite!
