I don't know if this is a feminist statement that it has been engraved in my mind for years that I have to apologize, or if it's something lacking within me. Something that makes me feel that regardless of whether something warrants an apology or not, I feel the urge to place the blame on myself - thinking that any hard feelings or conflicts could be absolved just by simply saying, "I'm sorry," and continuing on with our lives.

Perhaps there is an amount of feeling like that you were wrong. If somehow if you had done one thing different, just one thing, maybe the result would be different. Although half the time, the end result isn't even that dire that an apology is needed, but here you are. For example, I made dinner for my family and I didn't make a plate for everyone because I wasn't entirely certain what everyone wanted to eat. Then as everyone is serving themselves, I keep apologizing. My mom looks at me bewildered and asks, "Why are you saying sorry?"

Why was I saying "sorry"? People usually prefer to serve themselves so they can get what they want. On top of that, I made dinner. Why should I feel bad for people who were eating the food I made?

I have apologized for showing up two minutes late to getting dinner with my friends. It's as if I thought that having them wait those extra two minutes would cause them to reevaluate our friendship and have them decide that not only do they not want to eat dinner with me, but probably never want to have the displeasure of dealing with me ever again.

And as completely irrational as that may sound, there is that lingering thought in the back of my mind that by making them wait I am inconveniencing them, and by inconveniencing them I am making them like me less, and if they like me less they don't want to be friends with me anymore. However, most of the time my friends are either concerned for my well being if I'm running late or don't care. Even as I type this I want to apologize to my friends for reading that and thinking the worst of them every time I'm late to something. I'm a mess.

I think what it boils down to is me feeling like a burden on people. I'm a communications major, and I always make the joke that I like to talk a lot. So there are times in my life that I will just talk and talk and talk, and feel like I'm not letting anyone else get a moment to say anything - or I accidentally interrupt people. I always have this lingering feeling that I am annoying, or I'm loud, or I'm just an obnoxious human being that impedes upon everyone else's happiness. Which I know isn't true - and I know no one would agree with, but it still lingers.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, sorry for apologizing too much.