The Top 5 Proven Ways to Lose Weight Fast

The Top 5 Proven Ways to Lose Weight Fast

For those who would do anything to get skinny (except eat healthy and work out).

I'll be the first to admit it, I'm a sucker. Seriously, I am the biggest sucker on earth. I am the kind of person who "As Seen on TV" products and slot machines are targeted at. If I walked into a gym and someone said "here, have a cool eucalyptus towel" I would say "here, have my credit card and social security number" and sign up for like, a ten year membership contract (true story).

Because of this, I love fad diets. Every time I discover a new one, I think it's going to change my life and I'm going to become some hot chick and meet the love of my life and live happily every after, all thanks to cutting out carbs. Learn from my mistakes. Here is a list of what you will lose when on a fad diet:

1. Your friends.

2. Your dignity.

3. Your will to live.

Just to show you how crazy some of these fads can be, here's five of the most bizarre things people have done to lose weight fast.

1. Ear Stapling.

Perfect for: Those trying to lose weight and show their moms "god Karen it's not just a phase, these piercings are a lifestyle."

The Diet: According to ancient acupuncture practices, certain points of the body are connected, and the point that is connected to the stomach is located on the inside of the ear. Because people love to take things way too far, ear stapling has become a thing. Turns out, stapling the inner cartilage of your ear doesn't really lead to any weight loss and basically just leads to a raging infection.

2. The Five Bite Diet.

Perfect for: Those who want to seem like chill af girls who "will eat anything because I'm not one of those b*tches who are obsessed with dieting."

The Diet: So here's the deal. You can eat whatever you want and still lose weight! Seriously, you can have pizza, ice cream, fries, cookies, cake, you name it. But, there's one tiny catch: you can only eat five bites of it, twice a day. The cool thing is that you can totally customize it to five forkfuls of your choice. For example: two bites of pizza, two bites of cake, and one bite of chlorine bleach because honestly being on this diet would make me want to die ASAP.

P.S. If forced to do this diet, this is the fork I would use for my five bites:

3. The Sleeping Beauty Diet.

Perfect for: Anyone, Tbh.

The Diet: Out of all of the bizarre diets I've listed so far, I'm sad to say when I discovered this one for like .2 seconds I totally thought about giving it a try. Allegedly, Elvis Presley used this on the reg, and he lived to be a whole 42 years old! The motto of this diet is that if you aren't conscious, you physically cannot eat. Another time you also cannot physically eat: when you die. People on this diet have been known to use drugs to sleep for days at a time in order to drop a few pounds. Bottom line: if you're awake, you're f*cking fat and everyone hates you, Becky.

4. The Cotton Ball Diet.

Perfect for: Those "ballin' on a budget" (sorry).

The Diet: A lot of dietitians suggest simple everyday swaps to make your life healthier and help you lose weight. For example, swap the white rice in your Chipotle bowl for brown rice, the soda you drink for water, and the champagne in your mimosa for... cotton balls? That's right, eating cotton balls soaked in orange juice is a modeling industry trend meant to suppress calorie intake and dramatically reduce daily calorie intake. I'm getting a stomach ulcer just thinking about this one.

5. The Blue Sunglasses Diet.

Perfect for: Those who wear sunglasses at all times to "block out the haters." Trust me, if you use this diet you will have no shortage of (justified) haters to block out.

The Diet: According to our good friend, science, blue is the least appetizing color. Wearing sunglasses that add a blue tint to everything you see while eating is supposed to make your food look completely disgusting, thus making the the dieter consume less. So the next time you see some jerk wearing sunglasses inside and/or at night, don't judge. They might just be trying to drop a few pounds.

Bonus: The Staring at the Sun Diet.

Perfect for: Those who think they are plants. #Photosynthesis.

The Diet: Out of all the bizarre fads, this one definitely takes the cake (or, um, "takes the salad" if we're talking about diets). The people of Hong Kong will try literally everything under the sun (sorry) to lose weight, so apparently "sun eating" has become a thing. Instead of eating, you stare right into the sun. I can guarantee the only thing you will lose is your vision, because this practice can cause glaucoma and permanent damage to the retina.

Please, for the love of god, do not try this at home. Then again, Spring Break is right around the corner... BRB going to CVS to stock up on cotton balls.

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I'm A Woman And You Can't Convince Me Breastfeeding In Public Is OK In 2019

Sorry, not sorry.


Lately, I have seen so many people going off on social media about how people shouldn't be upset with mothers breastfeeding in public. You know what? I disagree.

There's a huge difference between being modest while breastfeeding and just being straight up careless, trashy and disrespectful to those around you. Why don't you try popping out a boob without a baby attached to it and see how long it takes for you to get arrested for public indecency? Strange how that works, right?

So many people talking about it bring up the point of how we shouldn't "sexualize" breastfeeding and seeing a woman's breasts while doing so. Actually, all of these people are missing the point. It's not sexual, it's just purely immodest and disrespectful.

If you see a girl in a shirt cut too low, you call her a slut. If you see a celebrity post a nude photo, you call them immodest and a terrible role model. What makes you think that pulling out a breast in the middle of public is different, regardless of what you're doing with it?

If I'm eating in a restaurant, I would be disgusted if the person at the table next to me had their bare feet out while they were eating. It's just not appropriate. Neither is pulling out your breast for the entire general public to see.

Nobody asked you to put a blanket over your kid's head to feed them. Nobody asked you to go feed them in a dirty bathroom. But you don't need to basically be topless to feed your kid. Growing up, I watched my mom feed my younger siblings in public. She never shied away from it, but the way she did it was always tasteful and never drew attention. She would cover herself up while doing it. She would make sure that nothing inappropriate could be seen. She was lowkey about it.

Mindblowing, right? Wait, you can actually breastfeed in public and not have to show everyone what you're doing? What a revolutionary idea!

There is nothing wrong with feeding your baby. It's something you need to do, it's a part of life. But there is definitely something wrong with thinking it's fine to expose yourself to the entire world while doing it. Nobody wants to see it. Nobody cares if you're feeding your kid. Nobody cares if you're trying to make some sort of weird "feminist" statement by showing them your boobs.

Cover up. Be modest. Be mindful. Be respectful. Don't want to see my boobs? Good, I don't want to see yours either. Hard to believe, I know.

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Please Know That Being Diagnosed With PCOS Is Not The Same As Living With It

I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2018, but it wasn't until months later that I realized what it’s actually like living with it everyday.


In October 2017, tired of counting calories and never seeing the scale move, I decided to try the latest fad diet: Keto.

It worked.

I lost almost 40 pounds in half the time it had taken to lose 20. I had lost nearly 10 inches from waist and hips. I went from a size 18 to a size 12.

Getting into ketosis was hard, but once I was there, I felt incredible: better mental clarity and focus, astronomical amounts of energy, regular body functions. Don't get me wrong, this diet is hard. No carbs, no colorful vegetables, no pasta. The struggle was real. But what it was doing for my body was worth it.

Except for one little thing: my periods had lost their minds. I'm talking bleeding for three weeks straight, no break. Coming and going in particular pattern, sometimes twice a month. Side note: this is not normal. In the world of Keto, it's supposed to help exponentially with fertility and hormone balances; people use this diet as a way to reverse hormone imbalances, PCOS, and infertility. This was virtually unheard of in all of my support groups.

Months and months go by with no relief. My doctor can't figure out why everything is so wonky. She takes me off the pill and things get better - slightly. Any improvement at this point was a victory.

She finally gets my ultrasounds back and she says "Well that's a surprise!" Cue my questioning look of confusion. "Umm care to share?" "Your ovaries have the characteristic look of PCOS. But you don't have any of the usual symptoms. I'm guessing the Keto diet was helping in it's own way. I recommend staying on the diet, let nature re-regulate your natural hormones, and we will re-evaluate in a few months."

I was frustrated, but this was totally do-able. I had been living this lifestyle for months, so I didn't foresee it as an issue. But then my kidneys starting reacting to the diet, and that doctor recommended I come off it. Obviously I wasn't going to jeopardize my health, so I started a low carb version of the Mediterranean diet.

I went in fully expecting to gain some weight back, because I was reintroducing carbs when I had gone largely without them for over a year. I knew that this would happen, and I didn't let myself get discouraged when the scale started going forward.

What I did not expect was to have my PCOS start running lose with my entire life and sanity.

Don't get me wrong — my periods were normal again, but everything else went AWOL. My hormones were going up and down of their own volition, we are talking sobbing hysterically over a butterfly commercial one minute and then fuming with anger over a car ad the next.

I started experiencing pelvic pain that feels like cramps only not all the time and without rhyme or reason.

My hair became uncontrollably oily to the point where I had to wash it everyday like clockwork; it started to thin and fall out.

I also started getting darker hair everywhere. I'm naturally an incredibly fair-skinned person so having black hair anywhere stands out like a sore thumb.

I felt like I wasn't in control of anything going on with my body. I felt like a hairy, unattractive monster. Everything that made me feel attractive and desirable was slowly being taken away from me piece by piece.

I had been living with PCOS for nearly six months, but I hadn't realized what it was like to actually live with it. I thought it was just irregular periods, but it is so much more than just a weird period.

I went back to the doctor, and she explained to me again how PCOS works, and how she didn't think traditional treatment options were the best thing for me. "Go back on the Keto diet. You were having incredible success with managing your symptoms. Go back to that."

Going back has not been easy. When I first started Keto, it wasn't easy, but I got into it quickly. I've been trying since January 12th to get back into it, and it hasn't worked.

I'm now in a place where I need to do it — for my health, for my sanity, for my self-esteem — and I physically can't. I do exactly everything the same as before, and it's not working. I'm trying to move away from the mentality of doing it for weight loss, and move toward positive thinking about how it's what's best for my body and my health.

My PCOS has forced me to have militant control over everything I eat. I can't simply enjoy food anymore. Everything that I chose to eat directly relates back to my PCOS and what that particular food can do for me. I think about everything that I put into my body, and the potential it has for either healing my body or harming it.

I see a piece of cake and I smell it, and picture in my mind what it tastes like. But I know that if I eat that piece of cake, I will bloat, get a stomach ache, and have to start back from square one the next day.

I cut out the carbs. I say no to cake. No potatoes. No pasta. I eat only green vegetables. I drink coffee that has nothing but heavy cream. I try to do intermittent fasting for 15 hours a day.

And I hope that it works. I hope that today will be the day I can get my life back on track. That today will be the day Keto works its magic.

I hope.

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