Just know, it’s going to seem like he doesn’t care. And maybe he doesn’t. But deep down, I always had hope that he did care, at least a little bit. You can only be so sure though, because he doesn’t really express it. At all.

He’s going to tell you that you don’t want to get close to him. That he’s a lot more damaged then you think. That he’s not worth it. That you’re better off without him in your life. And maybe he’s right; maybe you are better without him in your life. But you’ll have to determine that for yourself. God knows I wish I would’ve figured it out sooner.

He’ll play games. He’ll show interest. Then disappear for months on end. And just when you have completely got him out of your mind and gotten over the abandonment the first time, something will make him try and pop back into your life. And you’ll let him. Because of who he is, and because of who you are. Even though it’s more detrimental than good. When he comes back from nowhere, you’ll assume he just wants to be friends. You think that there’s no harm in that; that it’s completely fine to be friends. In fact, it’s what you want. You don’t want anything else. You don’t want it to end up like the first time. And then, after a couple of different times of seeing him, he’ll kiss you. And you’ll remember why you were so hooked the first time.

You’ll be glad he kisses you, even though you ignore the thoughts in the back of your head telling you how much of a bad idea this is and how he’s going to hurt you again because that’s who he is. But because of who you are, you ignore those thoughts. And you let him in again anyway. And maybe it won’t be as bad this time. Maybe it’ll be OK. Maybe he won’t just disappear again. Maybe you two can actually have something this time.

And for the next month or so, it’ll be nice. He’ll pick you up from work and either take you home, or take you to his place where you guys just lay on the couch and watch Netflix and occasionally kiss. Nothing too big. Just scenarios where you feel completely comfortable with each other and you’ll wonder why it ever ended the first time.

Then you’ll start to get doubts. You’ll start to worry. So you ask him. Where are you guys going with this? Will it ever go anywhere? Will you ever have a label? He’ll look at you with a sad look in his eyes, and you’ll think it’s because he doesn’t want you to worry. In reality, he already knows how it’s going to end. But he tells you a lie anyway. He tells you that he’s just trying to figure out himself. Trying to figure out his feelings; he gives you hope.

He’s very insecure, though he wouldn’t admit to it. I think he’s scared to be loved. Scared that if he actually lets someone in, they’ll leave him because he’s so broken. When all he really needs is to find someone who truly loves him. Because there are people out there who can and who will. He just needs to be able to let them in.

And maybe he just gets pleasure out of pulling people along behind him just to drop them when they aren’t convenient for him anymore.

The new year comes and goes, and you guys have plans for your birthday. Then he’ll disappear. You won’t hear from him for about a week, until right before you’re leaving for college. Then he’ll text you. And tell you that he’s sorry. And that it was a bad idea. He should’ve just listened to his gut the first time when he left. He tells you that he didn’t want you to expect anything.

You tell him that you weren’t. You’re leaving. You knew what was going to happen. You just didn’t want to be dropped without any kind of explanation. You couldn’t stand when that happened. You tell him it’s alright, that you will always be there for him if he ever needs it.

He thanks you. He tells you to keep yourself safe and healthy, and to have a good flight. He tells you that you guys will talk soon, but you know. You know this is the last time you’ll talk — whether it’s for a while or forever. You’ve accepted that. And even though you knew what was going to happen, you can’t help but feel hurt. You let him in again, and just like before, he left you alone.

And maybe he’ll be different with you. Maybe you’ll be the one who will finally get him to open up, to fall in love.

And I wish you luck, I truly do. I hope you can succeed. Because, yes, he’s broken. But he still has so much to offer. And I’m sure the right person will come along and help him realize that he can be so much more. And maybe that will be you.

I hope that it’s you.