Living with Chronic Illness has been a journey like one that I've never been on before....
It all started when I woke up in the middle of the night feeling sick and was not able to go back to sleep until the light started peeking through my slightly drawn shades. I woke up around 8 a.m. and gained some relief by throwing up and then made my way back to bed in hopes that this was just a 24 hour flu.
Two hours went by and I woke up, the same feeling in my stomach. I jumped out of bed thinking I was going to be sick again, but when I reached the toilet, another sensation hit me hard. I was dizzy and lightheaded, and as I tried to steady myself, the sounds of the TV in the other room started fading.
I knew at that point that I needed to get out to where my family was in case I did pass out. I slowly made my way to the living room where my mom and brother were and told my mom that I thought I was going to pass out. She told me to sit and put my head between my legs and just breathe. I barely remember my knees hitting the floor.
I woke up in my brother arms to him telling me that I was okay and to just stay calm. I remember hearing my mom screaming at someone that I had passed out and wasn't responsive and that they couldn't find my pulse. She made her way back into the room still in full panic mode, on the phone with the paramedics. She told them I was awake, but to please hurry. I remember grabbing a bowl and throwing up again. Moments later, I heard sirens, and seconds later, there I was, in the middle of the floor a bowl between my legs and 4 firefighters surrounding me asking me questions. A few minutes later a few more EMT's walked in and started taking my vitals.
My blood pressure wouldn't stabilize, which sent me into urgent care to be evaluated. This sent me on a journey of countless doctors appointments, many false diagnosis's, enough tears to fill the empire state building, and countless moments where I thought death was just around the corner.
It's been two years since that first day when my health took a turn for the worst and I can honestly say that it has been the longest two years of my life. Long in the sense that I have had to learn many lessons that I thought I never would.
I have learned what it looks like to take life one day, one moment, one breath, at a time. I have learned what it looks like to fight for yourself, to be your own advocate, to just take the pain as it comes and not focus too much on what tomorrow might hold. Oh, and... to not look up every pain you feel on WebMD because that just sends your mind into more of a tail spin.
I have learned that most of the battle of chronic illness is not a physical one, although that plays a huge part; It is a mental one. One of not letting yourself go down the road of the what "if's" which if you're like me, is never ending. I have learned that you have to take every thought captive, and every day as it comes. You have to enjoy the little victories just as much as the big. I have learned that the answers may not come in my time frame, or as soon as I'm hoping, but that they will come!
I have learned that any news is good news, because there is joy in just having answers. Even if those answers mean that you will be fighting a battle for the rest of your life. I have also learned that sometimes you just have to let it all out. Cry, scream, fall on your knees, and just look up. Because sometimes, looking up at the clouds moving by and realizing that in the midst of your pain life keeps going, the earth keeps moving, and remembering that you will keep moving too, is the only thing that you can do.
If crying is what you need, cry. If screaming is what you need, scream. But then... rejoice. Rejoice in the moments where you can do the things that you once did. Rejoice in the moments when you can get out of bed, shower, go for a small bike ride, or feel the sun on your face. Rejoice in the moments where answers do come; big or small.
To those of you who are still searching for answers, for a real diagnosis, for a doctor that will hear you out, or for some relief from the pain ... hear this today. The fight will continue, but the answers will come. Once the answers do come, the battle isn't over, but you can keep fighting because you are strong, you are brave, you are courageous, you matter. Your illness matters. Your life matters. Your heart matters.
To those of you who are still searching for a name for your illness... keep fighting. You're not alone.
