To Those I Left Behind,
I remember that day, and I probably always will remember it as if it were yesterday. I woke up knowing I had a decision to make: to stay or to leave. If I stayed, I would put my relationship with God and with my family in jeopardy with the possibility that those wounds would never be fully healed. If I left, I would sever each and every relationship I had with you. I chose the latter.
My senior year of college, and three months before graduation I chose to withdraw from school, move back home, and resume my life from the safety of my parents’ home and my family and friends’ guidance. I gave up graduating and earning my degree, bowling in the NCAA, my team, countless friends, a job I loved, and a year-long relationship, and I did so without any explanation to you.
First, I’d like to say I’m sorry. I’m not apologizing for leaving, as that was by far the best decision of my life so far. I am, however, apologizing for how I left. I wish I had the strength to face each and every one of you before I loaded up my car and never looked back, but I didn’t. In the moment, I could only handle so much. Quite honestly, all I could feel was the loss of the relationship and the fear of the immense amount of change I was about to endure at home. I’m sorry if you felt abandoned.
But you deserved better than that. I should have explained to you what was happening, and how I honestly felt about everything. If I could have done that here is what I would have said:
I’m leaving, and there is nothing you can say or do to change my mind. I have become a person I no longer recognize, and I need to return back to the real me. In order to do that I have to leave here and move back home. I need to get my feet back underneath me, and reconnect with my friends and family, but more importantly with God. I have been pretending He doesn’t exist for a while now, because, quite frankly, He would not approve of the relationship or life choices I have been making. I know it’s hard for you to understand, but I know that this is right for me and that this is what I have to do for my life. I’m sorry you never got to know the real me, and I hope that one day you get to, because she is much better than the girl you knew. I will miss you, and wish you the best in everything you do.
Now that I’m home and able to finally see clearly, I’d like to say thank you. This decision was by far the most difficult choice I have ever had to make, and it wouldn’t have been so hard if it wasn’t for each of you. I know that doesn’t sound like a good thing, but if it wasn’t so hard for me to make this choice and finally be true to myself, I wouldn’t know my own strength, the love of my family, or the unlimited power of the grace of God.
Just in case you wanted to know, I’m OK, and I hope you are, too.
