Let’s be honest, change is not a walk in the park and I have struggled lately with accepting all the unknown. It took countless hours of praying, writing and talking through it to clear my mind and give me the strength I needed to pick myself back up and carry on because we all know life stops for nobody. When I endure hard times, I usually look to distractions to keep my mind busy, but when those distractions fail to keep me indulged, I am forced to face what I’ve been running from and the feelings I’ve buried deep. Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of change and I think it’s healthy, especially when you let go of things that aren’t bettering you, but that doesn’t mean it’ll be easy. When you change your norm, you’re to have an overflow of emotions and for the past couple months, my life has been a whirlwind of change and my emotions are finally coming back together.
There have been days of overwhelming happiness and then there are moments of grief and pondering if I am making the right decisions. When you are strong and independent and a free spirit, like myself, you make executive decisions that are thought out and meticulous and that way, you have no one to blame, but yourself for your feelings and happiness. It’s all on you and it can almost feel devastating when the night sets in and you’re all alone when you use to have someone by your side through the days. Those moments, I can see a glimpse of regret moving in, but I have to remember things will get worst before they get better. That’s why distractions don’t always work for me, whether that’s dating a rebound, going out more often, or taking on new activities.
I’ve learned you have to enjoy your own company and invest in yourself in order to move on and to embrace the changes coming or else you’ll never be at ease. You have to face what is going on in your life and that may take some time, but distractions won’t fulfill that void you feel. Sometimes I think, I dug this hole myself— I’m not allowed to be upset or mad or resentful, but the truth is, I’m allowed to feel however I feel. It’s imperative to feel those emotions, even the ugly ones, but there’s no point in dwelling in the pain because it won’t last long. In order to move forward, I had to learn to let go and truly let go of the hurt and the only way you can do that is by being forgiving, even when you didn’t get an apology you desperately wanted. Whether it’s a family member, friend, ex, or whoever, you can only move forward with your own life and happiness if you aren’t holding onto anger towards them for things you couldn’t control. Forgiving them doesn’t make what they did to you okay; forgiving them means you are freeing yourself from the pain they caused you and you deserve to be free. We all do.
It won’t be like this for long so just keep holding onto what you believe is right— you’ll get to where you need to be.
