A deep conversation in the wee hours of the morning with my best friend the other night got me thinking. We talked about some of our greatest fears, and one of them was being alone. I don’t think this is unique to the two of us. Everyone, at some time or another, has worried about this. What if my friends don’t actually like me? What if I lose the friends I have? What if we get in a fight and we never speak again and drift apart? It’s a real fear.

And as I was thinking about it, I thought about those friendships. You know the ones. The ones from high school, middle school, elementary school… The ones from summer trips, those people I’ve shared so much of my life with and received so much from. Those friends that I never mean to lose… it just… happens. Life moves on. I move on. I change and grow and so do they and suddenly we find ourselves drifting apart, and I leave them behind. Perhaps it is because I have a hard time keeping in contact with people when I don’t see them every day. Perhaps it is because we have just become too different, and don’t have reason to talk anymore. Perhaps it is no one’s fault… it’s just life.

People say romantic relationships are confusing, but I feel as if friendships are even more. Because it’s always just so much more subtle. We hang out constantly, I confide in her, we are so close, I see her every day, we chat at school a lot, I speak to her every so often, every week, maybe once a month if I’m lucky, I text her to see how she’s been doing and either she never replies, or she does, and I just never get around to replying back. And I lose her.

It’s happened to me. Many times. And sometimes I think back on those friends, the ones I felt as if I couldn’t live without. My childhood best friend with whom we promised we’d grow up and go to college together, and our kids would be friends, and we’d never be without each other. That same friend I haven’t spoken to in over a year and when we do talk it’s forced and distant. It’s not like a breakup, it’s not so sudden. It hurts in a different kind of way. Perhaps because I know that it’s just as much my fault as it is hers.

I long for those friends. The ones I thought I knew, the ones I thought I’d never be without, the ones who never left my side, the ones who are so far removed from my life, they only cross my mind every once and awhile. These are the friends who have shaped me into who I am today, I am myself because of them. And now they’re just… not in my life anymore. I’ve left them behind. I’ve moved on. And it’s hard.

But just because some of the people I was once closer to than anyone else are no longer a part of my life does not mean that they never were. After all, I believe that God placed each person He did in my life for a specific reason, and I still consider them friends, even if we don’t talk anymore, even if I haven’t heard from them in years.

But it doesn’t have to be like that.

This time last year, I found myself drifting apart from two of my closest friends from last semester. I told myself that it was just a part of life. Yes, sometimes we leave people behind, we can’t use that as an excuse to let our friendships wither today. I learned last year that it doesn’t have to be that way. That it’s not “just life”. It is my choice. It is our choice. And I am forever thankful that we chose to bridge that growing gap.

I know that life can be scary. That it’s scary to think about leaving people behind, to think about moving on. I hate change, I hate moving and growing up. I hate thinking about the fact that in a few short years I’m going to be done with college, and not living near any of my friends here, and having my own life. I hate thinking about the fact that many of my friends now could very well be left behind.

But I can cling to the fact that God doesn’t put people in our lives by accident. And that each friend I have now, as well as each friend I have had in my lifetime, has been so important for me as a person, and for their own growth. I know I’m who I am today because of those friendships, whether they have been left behind or not.

This is to those friends I hope to never leave. To every wonderful person who has made my college experience so incredible. And to the friends left behind. To every wonderful person who has made my life so incredible. I love you. I miss you. I hope you’re doing incredible things, as I am sure you are. I look back on our time with such joy, and I wish you all the joy in your future friendships that I’ve found in mine.