One day when I was 15 years old I started talking with anger and sadness in my words to my absolute best friend in the world, my mother who I never had anything but a close relationship with. I started pushing her away as well as my father and other loved ones. I started focusing on getting drunk every chance I could with my "friends" Right now, you may be thinking "that isn't depression, that's called being a teenager" but it was much more than that. I absolutely hated myself and so I took it out on the people who actually cared about me, and the people who could have cared less if I got home alive or not, I gave my best to. Isn't it ironic how that works? When I drank, it wasn’t to feel “cool” It was to feel happy and worry free, but it did nothing but make me feel regretful and hate myself even MORE. The people I surrounded myself with did nothing but bring me down as well. I also struggled with my self image more than anything else. As time progressed being on this path, I had turned 18 years old, a senior in high school, not caring about my grades, going to college, my health, nothing. I had just become skin and bones and still absolutely hated what I saw in the mirror. I started to think that a guy could only love me if I gave him what he wanted... but what about what I wanted? I thought that if someone else who didn't have to love me, loved me that, it would make me more of a person, like I was actually worth something and like I was someone special, someone worth wanting and fighting for. I started to feel hopeless and started to regret so many of my choices yet I continued down the same self destructive path. Eventually, that year I graduated high school (barely) and just when I thought I had hit rock bottom as hard as I possibly could, this awesome guy came into my world who I fell for very quickly
and even though he treated me much different from the rest, I thought, "well this is nothing, he's not going to actually want anything real with me" it's like my self hatred was instilled into me so deeply that I couldn't be optimistic about anything. Today I am 23 years old and I still fight this battle with in myself. Some days my chest feels so heavy, that I feel like crawling into a ball and shutting out the rest of the world.. but I've been trying really hard every single day to love myself and the world just a little bit more. I realized that I am an amazing friend, I am a strong ass woman. I am caring as hell and I am beautiful in all of my ways. It’s almost like I had to re-program my brain to cut out all of my negative thoughts, I know it sounds impossible but you have to instruct yourself and be strong enough to have a positive mind set. I haven't contemplated suicide in about 4 years now. Also, they say "You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else" and through the years I have realized how true that is. That awesome guy that came into my life when I was 18 years old, is still by my side and although I have truly loved him all of these years, it hasn't been easy at all. I believe that the meaning of that term is: You really can’t love someone to the best of your ability, the way they deserve to be loved until you love yourself fully and entirely and although I have a way better relationship with my parents, I have taken out my sadness and frustration on my boyfriend instead so much that I feel so lucky that he is even still by my side. I guess we take out how we feel on the people we love because we know they will accept it. I am not only trying to love myself and become happier as a whole for myself but for the love of my life. We are all a work in progress, but there is nothing wrong with recognizing and growing. I know for a fact that I have come very far. Keep on going, because trust me it’s worth it. I’m so glad that I didn’t give up when I felt like I barely had the strength to carry on. It can’t rain forever.
