Hi.

I think about you all the time and I miss you so much. I thought about transferring back to FIT a few weeks ago. I couldn’t decide whether or not I should stay at Monmouth or move to New York and start fresh. I’ve had the same pro and con list in my head ever since I first applied to both schools two years ago. I’ve never been quite sure if I could be successful at Monmouth and if that’s where I’m really meant to be. I always thought I would stay in love with New York and fashion, but I didn't. To say it's messed with my head the last year is an understatement.

My mom told me to call you for advice because I was driving myself insane trying to decide what to do. I told her it would be weird to call you out of the blue and it’s not that simple. I’m your niece and your goddaughter with your ex-husband. You’ve been remarried for years now. In my mind, I never truly believe that I can just pick up the phone and ask you for help but my mom argued that I needed you and she was right I do, but then again, I always need you.

When my mom told me that I needed you she didn’t understand that I need you everyday. I need to dial your number when I get out of the shower, crying my eyes out because I always think the most in there. I need you when I take Ivy for a walk through the trails to clear my head and I end up breaking down. I need you when I can’t decide what shoes to wear with my outfit or when I’m texting someone and I can't come up with a good response.

I needed you when I started high school. I needed you when I went to my first party. I needed you when that asshole f*cked me over. I needed you all those nights I stayed up pacing my room and crying my eyes out because of him. I need you every time I wake up shaking from a nightmare I had. I needed you when my sister got sick and my parents would have to stay in the hospital with her. I needed you every afternoon when I drove to work panicking because I didn’t understand what was wrong with her. I'm 19 and I still need you when my parents fight.

I needed you there at prom. You should’ve been the one curling my hair, not my best friend. You should’ve been the person I was sending pictures of dresses to. You should’ve been there when I applied to college. You should’ve been the person I called when I got into FIT and you should’ve been there when I moved in. You should’ve been the one I ran to when I realized how much I hated it there. You should’ve been there when my best friend and I got in a fight. You should’ve been there when I got surgery on my ankles. You should’ve been there and seen me get my black belt. You should be there on the days that I feel so alone because you’re the only person who makes me feel better.

You're the person I always want to bounce ideas off of. Should I cut my hair? Should I lighten it? Should it be darker? Should I get my nose pierced? Do I REALLY want this tattoo or am I going to be over it in a week? Should I date him or is he a bad idea? You’re the person I want to call all the time and your opinion is the only opinion I ever want to hear.

The older I get, the more questions I have for you. I think about school a lot and I wonder why you decided to become an english teacher. I'm curious to know if you love it or if you wish you did something else. There are days that I think maybe I should be one too. I want to know what it was like the first time you got your heart broken or how you felt when you lost a close friend. I wonder what you do in your free time now, what music you listen to, and if you still love eating fajitas. I’d do anything to go back to when I was 8 and you would take me to buy art supplies all the time. You would always sit by my side and make crafts with me. I loved every second of it. Every day I randomly remember things about you. I wish I could sit on your counter and have you do my hair and tell me how pretty I am just like you did when I was a little girl because even though I’m almost 20, there’s days I still need that.

There are times where I wonder what your life is like now. I try to imagine what you do everyday and if you have the same relationship with your new nieces and nephews that you did with me. I wonder if I’m ever going to stop missing you and I wonder if I’ll ever be able to look at pictures of you and not get upset. If you saw me today, I hope you would be proud. You’ll always be the one person I look up to and admire no matter what. I hope I am half the person you are and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wish you were still around. I wish you could meet the guy I’ve been hanging out with, I think you’d really like him. Whenever something happens with him, I always want to tell you. When it’s good I know you would laugh and be happy for me. When something’s wrong I know you would give me the best advice and actually listen to what I’m saying. You never failed to put me at ease and make me feel so much better whenever I was upset by something. There are too many moments that I find myself in a situation and the entire time I just wonder what you would say about it.

The relationship I had with you, I've never had with anyone else. Not my sister, not my best friend or boyfriend. Not my grandma or my coach. Not even the woman who gave birth to me. I was closer to you than anyone else in my life and I think that's what bothers me the most because I have so many people around, but none of them are you.

I’ve gotten my nails done and grabbed lunch with my uncles new wife a handful of times in the last seven years but she's never really wanted a relationship with me. Once and a while she asks if I’m seeing anyone but she doesn’t talk to me about anything else and she never really gives me a response when I answer. She's not you. Not even close. She will never be my aunt and she will never be able to replace you. She is not my godmother. She is not the person my parents trusted with my life or my sisters life. She is not my friend or my role model or someone who even truly cares about me. They both hate me for still missing you and it makes them angry. My uncle takes it out on my mom because in his eyes, my mom should be able to control how I feel about the situation. If you saw what my relationship is like with him now, it would break your heart. Nothing’s been the same since you left. He’s not really around anymore and even when I do see him, he barely talks to me. I can’t remember the last time he asked me how I was or how school is. He doesn’t try to spend time with me, or my sisters for that matter.

For years I’ve wondered if my relationship is so different with him now because he see’s you when he looks at me. Or maybe he knows that my love for you is unconditional and he can’t do anything about it. I think he hates the fact that I have never forgotten you and never hated you. He hates the fact that I even remember your name and that I'm not afraid to say it.

I wish we could get lunch or grab a coffee, maybe go shopping or still make crafts. I just really wish you were f**king here. I get so angry sometimes. Why couldn’t we stay close? Did you or did my parents think about how hard it would be on me to not have you around? Did it upset you when you realized how much you were going to miss out on? I wish I could go back. I wish none of this ever happened and I wish I could’ve kept my relationship with you. You’ve been haunting my subconscious more and more lately. You’ve been in almost every single one of my dreams and a part of me knows it's because I need to call you but I don’t even know where to start. I want to hear your voice but I know as soon as you say “hi” I’ll lose it.

Maybe one day soon I’ll work up the courage to pick up the phone and call you but until then, just know that I miss you more than you could possibly imagine.