To the participants of my crazy life:
Please don't give up on me. I am so sorry. I am sorry for being different every time we speak. One moment I am full of life and love. The light is back in my eyes. I praise you and worship our relationship. I sprinkle my pixie dust and you think we finally made a break through. But we haven't. I turn cold, bitter and untrusting. I don't want anything to do with you. I lash out and and the most hateful words fill my mouth and spew out like acid. I don't care if you forgive me and I certainly don't care how it hurts you. At first. Now I'm guilty. I feel so guilty my stomach turns. I call you up and apologize and beg your forgiveness, I didn't mean any of it. Regret eats at my skin and seeps into my soul. I am so sorry.
Please don't give up on me. I'm trying and fighting every second of every day I live. Please know this is not your fault. There's nothing you can do to stop this poison from polluting my brain. Yes, it's very likely that something you said or did "triggered" me, but you don't deserve to walk on eggshells in order to keep a relationship with me. You don't need this. While I know I'm pushing you to your limits, also know that I am so terrified of losing you. I am so scared you will leave for good. I rely on you, I can't do this without you. I'm trying.
Please don't give up on me. I know you're tired. You're so tired of the chaos and the drama. My mood swings almost give you whiplash and I know I can suck you in like a black hole. Take a second and think about how I feel. You can leave me, but I can never can. I didn't ask to be like this. I sit back and watch as the flames engulf every bridge I've built. They burn. There's nothing I can do to stop it. I sit and scoop the ashes together, trying to make it new again. People are not replaceable and there's only so many times you can receive forgiveness. Thank you for the people who have stayed, and I'm sorry to the ones who couldn't.
Please don't give up on me. Know I'm trying to get better. I believe in myself and I really hope you do, too. Love me when it's easy, and when it gets too hard, please just love me a little louder. Please don't ignore me. I need your support. Please don't tell people how "psycho" I am just because we feel emotions differently. I am healthy. I am a human. I just feel emotions deeper and differently than you might. Thank you for staying. Thank you for seeing my potential when I can't even make it out of bed to see a mirror. I love you, please try to keep loving me.
