Living with anxiety is like walking around with a constant whisper in your ear, reminding you of all of the possible things that could go wrong with each breath you take.
We have all know the feeling of being with a parent in public, and then all of a sudden losing them. Panic mode sets in. For me, I can be glued to the hip of my mother in Target and still feel an overwhelming amount of anxiety. Why? I wish I knew, but it is just something that I have had to get used to, as sad is that is. It is like everywhere I turn, my brain just sets up the worst possible situation that could come out of the next step I take. Going to the mall with my friends is no easy task and not just because I do not like shopping.
It is one of the most embarrassing things having to decline invitations to outings with my friends because all I can think about is how many things could go wrong on the car ride there, or even while merely walking around from store to store. What is wrong with me? If you are constantly asking yourself the same question, then I completely empathize with you, because it is one of the main things that come to mind whenever my brain starts to act up on me or do something out of character.
It pains me to think that I am 18 years old and I can barely get myself to hang out with others in a social setting without being in a constant state of fear and paranoia. I was not always like this. I do not know what happened or where it all began, but to this day, I still can not get on a train or any other form of public transportation without having a complete breakdo
What teenager in their right mind would turn down a night on the town with their friends? I am sure by now you can guess who… me! Taking the train into town, on top of being surrounded by other people upon finally arriving, sounds like a nightmare to me.
I am one of the most outgoing people I know, and it does not take much for me to get out of my social comfort zone. But give me the keys and ask me to drive to the local grocery store and my heart will drop and breathing becomes an act I have to exert and focus into. It sounds pathetic, I know. But do you know how many things could go wrong on the way to the grocery store, or even while down the frozen aisle once you get there? No, of course not because no one else's brain seems to work like that. I can joke about it now, but when in the moment as it is occurring, I am doing anything but laughing.
I know that I am not the only one going through similar circumstances in the batlle with mental health, primarily anxiety, but I may be one of the only people to speak out about it. In order to provide ourselves with a better future and a place where we are not in constant fear and concern, we must raise awareness and not be afraid to talk about the things that we undergo when diagnosed with anxiety or specific mental health issues.
To those of you who are suffering from anxiety, I am with you. I am with you when you are in the bathroom during school crying on the ground because you know it is presentation day. I am with you when your friends are going out and you decide it is best to stay home and be alone instead. I am with you when it all becomes too much and you have to walk away and tell yourself over and over again to breathe. I am with you when your pillowcase is soaked in tears and mascara for reasons you can not even comprehend. I am with you always. We are in this fight together.
