To Rachel, the older sister who abandoned me when she left home:

I love you.

It took me years to accept and understand what happened. For years I hated you, and we both know I had good reason. You left two days after your eighteenth birthday and one day after my twelfth birthday. I came home from a regular school day to an empty house, a note on my bedside table, and the feeling that I somehow ruined our family by being the reason you left.

Even though I understand why you did it, even though I accept what happened, and even though I forgive you, I wish you hadn't done it. I wish you hadn't left, or maybe I wish you had given me some warning. I had thought we were finally becoming friends, finally becoming what I always thought "proper sisters" were supposed to be.

Then you left, and everything was different. Instead of me being told to be like you, I was told I had to be the exact opposite. The person I idolized growing up, that I wanted to be like, was suddenly demonized. It was a rough several years for me, trying to adjust to being the oldest sister after being the middle sister for most of my life. Our parents considered me the first of two, not the second of three.

I was totally lost, and I blamed every little thing on you - because that's what I was taught to do. It was either you fault for leaving, or it was my fault for not being good enough to surpass your shadow.

You abandoned me, you tore apart our family, and I didn't think I'd ever be able to forgive you.

I have.

You're happy now, I think I came out alright, and I think Heather is going to be just fine as well. I can't say anything about our parents. I still naively hope for us to be a family again at some point in the future, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that it may never happen. I just hope I can keep you and the rest of our family in my life, but it's hard sometimes.

Our parents know we talk, but that doesn't mean I can talk about you. I can't say anything, and it kills me. I want to talk to them about having you at my graduation, but I don't want Mum to start crying. I want to talk to them about letting Heather be in contact with you, but I don't want to risk an argument.

Most of all, I want to be actual sisters. Honestly, we both sucked at it. Still kinda suck at it. We never had enough practice, but I want to get better at it. I want to talk more, but we're both busy and bad at consistent communication. You're a mother, I'm going through my last year in college, and I think poor time management runs in the family.

I love you, and I want you to know that I forgive you for everything. I understand why you did what you did. I don't know if I would have done the same, but I'm happy you're living a good life now.