To the loved one I lost, I can’t believe how much has changed. When I first lost you, I didn’t know how I could make it through. I had never seen a life without you, and I didn’t know how I was supposed to go on through life now. I didn’t know how I was going to be able to go throughout without hearing your laugh, seeing your smile, and hearing your stories. I didn’t know if I was ever going to be able to look at your picture without crying, without hurting, and without asking God why he took you away from me. I spent my days wondering if I was doing everything according to your hopes and prayers, if you were actually proud of what I was doing with my life, or if you thought I needed to do things differently. I was asking God for signs to show that you were hearing all of my questions and prayers to feel something again, and I was extremely discouraged.
I will be the first one to admit that losing you was, hands down, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I watched as people around me lost their loved ones throughout life, showing my empathy, and not really realizing that it was soon going to happen to me. I looked at you like you were the strongest person in the world, and I thought you were invincible. I refused to believe that you would eventually leave this world, and it ruined my life when you actually did..
I knew you were tired, I knew you weren’t feeling good, and I knew you wanted to go home. I know you were ready to go, but I was not ready for you to go. My heart wasn’t ready to lose you, and my mind wasn’t ready to accept that you were dying. I kept telling myself that you would make it through this stronger than ever, but I knew that this time, you were really, really tired. At the time, I kept asking God why he couldn’t have just fixed you. I kept wondering if things were done differently, if you would still be here with me; with the rest of our family.
It took a long time to make myself realize and accept, but I now go through life wondering what great things you are doing. I don’t wonder anymore if you are looking down on me and smiling, because I know that you are. I may not feel the signs that I think I need, but I see things that remind me of you every day, and I know that is you putting those things exactly where I need to see them. I don’t wonder why God took you anymore, because now I have accepted that it was just your time. I look at your passing as a blessing, because now I know that I constantly have someone watching over me, and someone always patting me on the back during my success and close to my heart when I feel lonely and sad. I know that you are telling me every day how much you love me, even if you can’t tell me in person. I now appreciate the little things and life, and I have learned to never take anything, or anyone, for granted.
To the loved one I lost, I miss you more than words could describe, but I love you even more than that.