Thanksgiving is coming up in a few days.

Two years ago, Thanksgiving was the first holiday EVER in my previous four years of having an eating disorder where I was not currently relapsing. There was such grace in all it that year. God's Hand pulled me into a time of Victory; He won. But I need to declare: that, and staying recovered wasn't and still isn't easy.

Easy isn't recovery.

I have wanted to give up numerous times. I struggled for many, many, exhausting years. I would not be where I am today without Made In His Image (an eating disorder organization), my friends and family, or my amazing Church leaders. They all have invested their time and prayers in the midst of my frustrations of not being "normal" by not having a mind where it would stop giving me eating disorder thoughts. I would cry because I wanted to just be done. I wanted to be done with the pain of not feeling good enough. I wanted to be done with the comparisons I would make throughout all of my days. I wanted to stop staring at models and their pictures for hours on end, thinking of what I needed to tone up next. I wanted to stop exercising at ungodly times; so early in the mornings and late at nights. I wanted to stop bingeing and purging. I wanted to stop having those bathroom floor, rock bottom moments. The ones where I would be sobbing, tracing my fingers on the floor; feeling the cold on my hands from the tile. Cold was my heart. Cold was my mind. It was comforting to feel what I felt like on the inside by touching something on the outside. But, inside my cold heart, body, and mind, I knew I was destroying myself. And it wasn't hard to see.

I wanted to be free.

The key to eating disorder recovery is wanting it for yourself. You will not change until you want to change. You have the utmost power because it is your body and your mind. No one can change how your "eating disorder schedule" is until you want to change it for yourself.

It was in April of two years ago and I had everything I wanted.

I was doing well with my position of serving in my Church, was doing amazing with my studies, and had an amazing boyfriend. But by that time I was going through a relapse. And this relapse took everything from me.

It took away my pride, my thought of having a future, and took the most of my energy out of me. It was a relapse that I knew was not healthy by all means. I saw my ribs becoming more evident on my body and felt my hip bones poking through. I was so satisfied!! I finally had the body I always wished I would have, but I still did not feel like I was skinny enough. I indulged in only drinking hot tea, protein shakes, and working out vigorously. I heard every day I was pretty and good enough, yet nothing anyone was saying was enough for me. I wasn't enough for myself. And, once I realized the self-hatred I had of my body, I knew I had to change. I could not be depressed about my own self any longer. I broke up with my boyfriend to start from the bottom and build my way up during recovery. I wanted to learn to love myself by myself.

I did. But it was a very slow process. I remember it took me an hour and 45 minutes to eat my first meal. Beef, rice, and green beans. I cheated by drinking a sip (more like a gulp) of tea after every bite. I refilled my glass of tea so many times. I was an emotional wreck. It was not normal to take so long to eat food. But I then realized: an eating disorder is not normal. I was not normal.

This whole process of being "free" from my eating disorder will always feel awkward, will have a lot of tears and fears, but it is supposed to. A life without skipping meals was foreign to me.

But I gained my strength by reading numerous blogs on Made In His Image, would hear from other girls and their stories, and was encouraged by Maura (the founder) and her grace to love those who are going through the same thing she went through. You are not alone. Feeling like a stranger to everyone else, including yourself, during recovery is not different to us who have been fighting this fight.

I re-tore my ACL while on a mission trip in July of 2014. With that recovery and with getting ACL reconstruction surgery, it was a test of how strong I am in my battle of defeating my thoughts of relapsing and staying healthy for the purpose of getting back to my athletics and running again. I was very upset that I re-tore my ACL, especially since cheerleading was the cause of my injury, and cheerleading was the cause of my eating disorder.

I was angry at God, but I had to get over myself and believe in His Victory. I know my God did not make me re-tear my ACL but I know He was teaching me an important lesson of relying on Him even in my weakest moments after my surgery. I wanted to so badly fall in the midst of a relapse to not gain so much weight after surgery. But I did. For my own health and my own well being.

I wanted to skip meals because I could not run my first 4 months after surgery because I had no way of being active, so I wanted to so badly fall in the midst of losing weight by not eating. Satan wanted me to act upon my thoughts. But I have said no more to him and his lies.

I know my Victory is in Jesus and He has let me have the strength of not having a relapse for over seven months. It is such a marvelous mystery to me how years ago I thought I would not ever have a break from my relapses, but my Mighty God has been here all along with me through it all.

It is with such grace to share my story with you. If you are struggling with this battle please know you are not alone. Made In His Image has been such an inspiration for me throughout my years of battling my eating disorder. You get to see a glimpse of some personal stories and see the greatness of God just breaking through and healing hearts.

Your heart is not too weak to be healed by our God.

Your cries are not too loud or small for our God to not wipe away all those tears running down your face when you do not feel like you are enough or cannot possibly move forward with this horrible disorder.

Your worth does not rely on what your mind is telling you or by what pictures you are looking at.

You are made in HIS image.

He calls you lovely.

He calls you redeemed.

He calls you enough.

He calls you beautiful.

He calls you precious.

He calls you His beloved.

Believe in the truth my dear, do not keep believing in these lies.

You are worth so much more than what you think you are.

You are enough.

*If you would like to read more blogs about Eating Disorders and recovery; personal stories, testimonies, and advice on this topic click this link http://madeinhisimage.org/category/eating-disorder-recovery/ and it will direct you to Made In His Image.*