First off I want to say thank you. Thank you for showing yourself to him, for making him laugh, and for having the brightest eyes and biggest smile anytime you see him.
I want you to know that our love was rare, it was pure and rare, for the first six months at least. The way his eyes light up when you say something funny, or the way his mouth twitches from holding a smile for too long, the way he comes up from behind you and tickles you before grabbing ahold of you and never letting go.
That’s pure love, and it’s all great and wonderful in the beginning. It was for us, at least, and I say six months but that might be stretching the truth.
There will come a time though, that you notice things have changed and it will only be the beginning.
First off I want you to know that having friends is out of the question, and being apart of family gatherings is just a way for him to belittle you and judge you because of your past family problems. If you’re reading this, then having any type of social media is a privilege so you’re doing something right...
Eventually, you will notice how he talks to you differently, especially in front of his own family. I guess you could say it’s a power trip for him. Then there will be days where he looks at you with disgust, he will bring up your past, but don’t you dare talk about your own past.
He will bring up ex-girlfriends, but please please please, I beg you, to never and yes I mean NEVER, bring up an ex or even an old high school friend that happens to be a male.
Everything you’ve ever done before him is out of the picture, he will label you as a party whore, call you multiple names, and make you think you were worthless before him. Then the truth will come out.
Pills, pills, and more damn pills.
If you notice the bills aren’t getting paid, or you are both broke by Monday after you pay your half of the bills and buy groceries.... Please don’t act stupid and overlook the fact. It’s the damn pills, again.
He will tell you he bought you an engagement ring, or something extravagant for Christmas only to never see anything Christmas morning. Then you will eventually notice that you’ve never gotten anything for your anniversaries, Valentine’s days you have spent together, the birthdays that have passed, or the Christmas holidays you’ve had with one another, but you will overlook that, too because, in the end, it’s the time spent with him that matters the most.
You will notice when he can’t find a supplier because his attitude will be horrible and the way he looks at you will haunt your dreams. You can also tell when he can’t find a supplier because he will insist on going over to Georgia for any little reason, that reason being is K-Chills.
They are basically liquid pain pills. He will have to drink 4, yes FOUR, to feel any type of relief. He will hide them from you, so if you don’t believe me at first check his book bag and the back of the passenger seat in his truck.
Then ask him to explain. He will no doubt give you the runaround and try his best to charm his way out of it, and you’re going to let it go but it will happen again. I don’t care what he says, always be on your P’s and Q’s, especially around payday.
And god forbid, please don’t leave your wallet laying around in the open when you go to bed the night before payday.
When you’ve finally had enough...
Things have changed, whether it’s been six months or two years. Things have changed.
When you notice these things, please don’t be stupid. Pack your shit and hit the road. He might yell at you, push you up against a wall, punch the wall that your face is beside because “he can’t punch you”, he might even start to help you pack by throwing all your shit in the yard.
Hell, he might throw a thing or two at you, slap you around, push you into walls or counters, onto the bed and not let you up, he’s going to yell in your face some more while spitting on you.
PLEASE don’t hesitate, fight that fight, pick yourself up, and L E A V E. He will tell you that no one will ever love you the way he loves you. He will tell you that no one will ever see the true value your heart holds. HE IS WRONG.
Someone out there is going to love you for who you are and not for what you bring to the table. Someone is going to understand the hurt he put you through and they will do everything in their power to earn your trust.
Someone is going to make you FEEL beautiful while telling you how beautiful you are every three minutes when you’re together. Eventually, someone is going to try holding you, and when you’re not ready they will pull away and let you have your space. Then there’s going to come a day when you’re ready to feel that love again.
That’s the day they are going to wrap you in their arms, and you are going to form to their body and you will feel SAFE for the first time in a very long time. You will eventually open up to this person, and they will know all your deepest darkest secrets.
That day is the day they are going to realize that what they knew about your previous relationship was only one/third of what actually happened. When they hear the worst part of your past, they will understand why you’re so quiet at times, why you always question things, and why it isn’t so easy for you to love again...
LOVE comes in mysterious ways
One day, you’re going to love again, don’t run too far from it.
If you can find someone to love you after you’ve been broken after you swore you would never let another person in, after you ran away from that person and the way they made you feel.
If you questioned why they want you, why they chose you, and you turned them down in every aspect because of your past and they are STILL there, that’s love. I don’t care what anyone says, that is love. Don’t run from love.
