For starters, I do not hate you.

At the beginning of your relationship with my ex I certainly did, but not anymore, and let me tell you why.

Your boyfriend was terrible to me. He left me in a constant question of what he was thinking. He was hot and cold, in love with me some days and completely oblivious to me others. He cheated on me both emotionally and physically and spoke about me in a way that no person entrusting you with their feelings deserves to be spoken about. I prayed and prayed for the kind-hearted version of him I knew to return. Dating him was as hard on my self-confidence as anything ever has been. I was bitter for a very, very long.

He could never commit to me. When we talked, his head was always in 100 different places. There was always a prettier girl, a girl who was more fun or something more exciting happening. I was never an end goal, simply good enough to pass the time on his way there. I didn’t understand the way his brain worked, the way he skips around from one thought to another, living inside a colorful mindset that very few people are granted access to. I simply watched him live a life I wasn’t meant to be a part of and reside inside his brain, absent-mindedly destroying both me and our relationship in the process.

I never had what it took to water down his whiskey or get him to open up.

But you do.

I see a happiness in the boy that I forgot existed. Being with you, he looks the way I desperately wanted him to look during our time together: content. For once, it actually seems as though he isn’t running from anything. I’d be lying if I said that it didn’t sting to think of the intimate conversations developing between the two of you, conversations that I craved for six quiet months. I assume that you talk about marriage, children, and life after all of this. I hope you enjoy that look he gives when he’s thinking of a word to describe a feeling during those talks. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you will.

Just wait - it’s worth it, I promise.

When we broke up, I heard from just about everyone: “You can do better. He’s a jerk anyway.” I knew exactly how terrible he treated me, but that didn’t change the fact that I had developed a yearning for his well-being that I could not easily ignore. As badly as I wanted to cling to these words, it was never that simple for me to write him off a jerk. I always wanted, and still want, only the best for him. He taught me more about myself than he was ever aware of, and in the most twisted way possible I am thankful for his unfaithfulness and tendencies to shut me out. I grew from that relationship. I am stronger now than ever, strong enough to say all these words that I should have months ago.

I feared for a very long time that his cycle would never end. The list of girls that “didn’t understand him” would metastasize until the number of us burned out on relationships because of his wandering soul was exponential. I feared for him that he may never stop looking for the next best thing and develop the ability to focus on what was right in front of him. I feared I might one day have to be like the rest of them and be forced to agree that some people just never change.

I was his friend far before I was his girlfriend, and what I feel now can only be described as bittersweet. I so badly wanted to be the one to save him, but when I realized it was never my role, I prayed that anybody could. And you did.

He is wild - I assume that you both know and are learning to love that about him by now. He was the chaos to my quiet, and the jack to my coke, and I never appreciated it as much as I should have. He is not the shelter, he is the storm, sometimes far too much of a storm for a relationship to endure through. Do not ever let him lose that spirit of freedom. It is one of the largest parts of him. Learn to balance his crazy, and to love it as hard as you can. Don’t just laugh when he sings too loudly in the car- sing with him. Listen to his stories, pay careful to every single detail you think you don’t need to hear. Make a valiant effort to get along with all of his friends- yes, I mean all of them. Don’t ever try and fit him into a mold that you create.

Take care of him for me.

I’ve never known what it feels like to be needed by him, and it’s certainly not something that happens often, so cherish it the best that you can. Above all, be patient with him, beneath his bad jokes and that infamous wink, I know he’s trying very hard to get this one right.