I was hospitalized for anorexia in September of 2015 for nine weeks at Selah House. After returning to my normal life, my closest friend and I stopped talking. Over a year and a half later, I have continued to struggle with varied mental illnesses, and have lost many more friends to my diseases- some losses were painful and dramatic, others felt like a natural growing apart catalyzed by illness.
To the friends who left because of my mental illness:
Honestly, saying "thank you" is all I can do. You were a part of my life, and no matter how big or small, you left and made me a stronger person. Losing people is one of the hardest parts of living with a mental illness. It's hard to know that you felt my problems were too big; that you were making me worse; that you sounded petty in comparison. But it just made me more passionate about eliminating the stigma of mental illness and recognizing mental illness as a part of everyday life for many people.
Mental illness is a very real struggle for many people. Just like other organs, brains can get sick. And just like some other diseases, it can take months or years before it becomes noticeable. And so to you, it must have seemed like I did a complete 180 overnight. To me, the pain I had suppressed for so long was finally bubbling over into my life.
Once, we had a fight when I asked you to stop making jokes about suicide. Eventually, that fight broke us apart. I'm not sorry I asked, but I am sorry you couldn't see that you cause major pain to others around you when you joke about self harm, eating disorders, and suicide. I'm sorry you can't see the embarrassment in someone's face when you ask them if they've eaten their vegetables, or drank enough water, or gotten enough sleep, or showered that day. Not every eating disorder means restricting food or water, some insomniacs occasionally do get enough sleep, and it's incredibly embarrassing to admit that I haven't showered in way too long. You would never shame someone for having a broken arm, so why do you shame people for having a mental illness?
I know my depression and anxiety affected you too. I know we'd make plans just for you to show up at my door, me still in pajamas and unbrushed hair. I know it must have been frustrating to see me put in what seemed like to effort. I know dragging me out of bed and asking if I'd eaten lunch was exhausting. And for me, maintaining a relationship with you as a friend was a challenge, too. It's hard to have a friendship if you can't talk to them at all.
"I don’t expect you to understand how I feel, since you may have never experienced a mental illness, but at some point just being there is important. But, you aren’t there anymore. Is it because of my mental illness? Is it because you have moved on? I don’t know." - The Mighty
I know my mental illness made both our lives difficult. I'm sorry that we are no longer friends, but I have to say thank you. You've taught me a lot and made me stronger, and I hope you got something out of our friendship, too.
