"Congratulations! You have failed. You weren't enough to make him stay, you were too hard to love, and most importantly you just lost one of the best things you've ever had."

That's what went through my head when I heard the words." I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore". I remember it felt like someone took all the sunshine in the room and turned it to grey, and suddenly everyone surrounded me asking if I was ok and what they could do to help as if I just had a heart attack. Pure madness. Except you can't go into surgery to heal it, you don't get any special medications, there is no doctor to save you, but only yourself.

My mother warned me. I was sixteen. That was my magic number, the number everyone gets in their lifetime when they run into their first love. But I only had a driver's permit not even a license at the time, and a debit card to offer to the world. I had no real responsibilities, i was really just a silly naive girl. He was older and off to college in the fall and my mom knew what was coming and told me to be careful. To protect my heart. I didn't listen, not even a flinch. It's hard to listen to anyone with anything slightly negative to say when a cute boy who for some unknown reason adores you. The only catch with that is between dinner dates and movie nights you slowly lose your senses. You go blind. You see his flaws for perfections. You go deaf. You hear nothing but his empty promises followed by sweet nothings. But how could you not when he brushes your hair out of you eyes and kisses your forehead? You're utterly consumed.

I look back and ask myself how could you have let this happen? How could you throw yourself away and lose your complete sense of self for this one person. What I tell myself is that I was too young, you can't be everything a person needs or wants when you can't even order a cocktail at a bar. Long distance at sixteen was a death sentence.

I could tell this whole story frame by frame but the truth is I would be wasting my breath. We have both moved on from when we were younger. We are completely different people now. So now I bet you're asking yourself why am I still writing about him? Who cares? Move on with your life girl! Well we had something unforgettable. It was the realest and purest thing you could feel. He has carved his name on my heart and as much as I wish it would disappear it won't. I have tried everything that an 18 year old could do. I'm sure anyone would deny it if you asked, maybe call you crazy for even thinking what I have just typed down for anyone to see. I've noticed in this crazy world of ours people like to pretend they don't care about the people they have loved and lost. Some are even afraid to love again. This needs to stop as no matter how much you wish that person would disappear or to pretend that nothing ever happened, it did and it happened for a reason.

Now it's been a year since I thought my entire world crumbled into a big ball of nothing. My skin is a little thicker, I stand a little taller, and I have never been so sure of myself. So here are the words I wish I could have said on the day he left but I didn't know what to say other than "Please don't go".

So here is to the boy that I thought would be my forever. I hope you found the happiness you were looking for that you couldn't find in me. I hope you are taking care of yourself mentally not just physically. I hope your hard work pays off to be as successful as you have dreamt to be. I hope you travel to the places you have told you would love to go. Most of all I hope you won't be angry with me for writing this. You once told me i have a way with words so I'm taking that and using it to take on this world to make it mine. Im sorry for acting crazy, in fact i haven't really gotten any better at that. When you give someone everything you have and they don't care i get angry rather than sad. That makes me harder to love but i would rather be hard to love rather than easy to love. Anyone can get that, and i don't just want anyone. Thank you for giving me everything you could possibly give to me at a young age. Your effort, time, patience, and more. But most importantly thank you for breaking me. You leaving was the best thing that could have happened to me.